Red

Cherry, the color of blood

Ruby, vibrant and alive

Copper, soaking on the walls

Flaming, burning passion between two people

Scarlet, stop, pause, record

Cardinal, color so rich, it can’t help being noticed,

Glowing, hot as anger

Crimson, a love so strong, it begs to be felt

Puce, pain and damage

I see red when I think of you. Can’t you see all the paradox you make me feel?

Thoughts # 24

I long for the day when someone will look into my eyes & see the depths. See them & not be confused. See them & not fear. Look into them & appreciate the dancing thoughts in my soul. The dark abyss of terrors & the sparkling air of blue skies & sweet scented meadows. Oh when will that day come?

Thoughts # 18

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Never set relationship goals based on other people. Make your own goals. Go for what makes you happy. You'll only end up disappointed and disillusioned when you see them fall apart thinking they're the perfect couple to emulate. You think there's no "forever" just because a "perfect" couple didn't work out. You start having doubts about your relationship which may end in ruins, too. Stop comparing and do more of what makes your relationship happy and healthy.

'Smell the flowers' 🌸

They say time flies when you’re having fun. I couldn’t agree more. But here’s the catch. Time flies when I’m with you whether we’re having fun, doing nothing or even if we’re not in good terms. *cough LQ * cough

It’s kind of difficult that we have different views on time. You pursue your goals to the point that you sometimes forget to live in the present. To “stop and smell the flowers” as they say. No matter how much I try to explain that concept, you don’t get it. You’re whole being rebels at the thought of pausing. Perhaps it’s because you haven’t seen what time sweeps away when you least notice its passing. Perhaps it’s because you’re the eldest kid and you lead the way that you don’t see the pitfalls of rushing towards that goal too fast, sacrificing precious moments that will never return.

I, on the other hand, have seen countless moments go to waste because proper attention wasn’t given to them. When the person wished to go back to that time, relive it... it’s gone forever. It’s not gonna happen the way one envisions it; slipped from one’s fingers completely. A sad mimicry to that moment to make up for lost time is mostly the remedy but the essence of that moment is lost forever.

I want to avoid such occurrence so I do my best to grab that moment, hold on to it, chase it, crystallize it so I can always go back to it when I need to. I have this great need to document all the important phases of my life because I don’t want to miss anything. I don’t want history to repeat itself. I don’t want to make the same mistake of taking things for granted, of always thinking I have more time with this person because one can never know the changes that might come. Better be safe than sorry. You may be irritated at how zealous I am at being IN THE MOMENT but I don’t care. You can get mad all you like but I’m not taking chances. Never again.

I hope one day you will be able to fully grasp my perspective and learn to slow down and smell the flowers. That you will come to appreciate the moment without suddenly jumping because you remember the rat race towards your goal.

I’m not asking you to stop chasing those goals, just slow down enough that you balance that fiery passion with cool leisure.

Relationship adjustments

The thing about pride is, once you shrug it off for someone, you don’t know what actions to take next. Should I make the next move? Should I keep on waiting in case he wants to be left alone?

I’m a person who doesn’t make the first move. Out of shyness or fear or rebuff. I don’t want to appear too easy, as well, so I take my sweet time in responding. However, circumstances have pushed me to shed this garment called pride.

I’m in a pinch and adjusting to this new way of responding & doing things. To not to think too much about my ego and think about what’s for the greater good of the relationship. I hope this will lead to better days.

This thought was written months ago and I must say there's a bit of improvement in controlling my pride. Either that or he's learned not to match my anger and temper with his own. Hahaha. Either way, we are now able to keep flaring tempers at a minimum and understand each other better when conflicts arise. If I get whiny and moody, he seems to keep his cool by now and instead offers comforts (massage or cuddles or treats) to lift my spirits. Good job, us, in adjusting to each other's needs. :)

Settling

"There are many things that can keep you in a relationship," he says. His eyes are begging me to listen. "Fear of being alone. Fear of disrupting the arrangement of your life. A decision to settle for something that's okay, because you don't know if you can get any better. Or maybe there's the irrational belief that it will get better, even if you know he won't change."

 - David Levithan, Another Day

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 THIS. This conversation in the book hit me hard. Settling.. A is making Rhiannon see that she's just settling with Justin. I think I was a Rhiannon back then. Not total hopeless Rhiannon but I settled because I feared that I will never have a relationship better that I had back then. I made excuses for every mistake and the line between right and wrong blurred. My friends were warning me and I know the logical part of my brain is shouting to my heart that enough is enough.

It took me a while though before I finally made up my mind to let go. To see and believe reason and to keep believing that better things are coming. It wasn't easy. I was afraid at first but the freedom I felt after I finally decided to CHOOSE ME was exhilarating. Of course, I faced repercussions and the ire of quite a number of people but I was moving forward. I left it all behind and that was one of the best decisions I ever made.

In the end, you choose yourself because only you will face the consequences of your decisions. Not them, who can only give you advice on what they think is best and not having to suffer for the consequences. I hope this time I'm not just settling. I hope this time I'm not backsliding to the dark pit I once was in. 

Thoughts # 16

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The catch about having a partner who doesn’t care about how you look (you don’t have to dress up/wear makeup or doesn’t care if you dye your hair in rainbow colors) is that you’re not sure if he really loves you deeper than your looks or he simply doesn’t care.

Wallflowers unite!

I often wondered how I’m drawn to lonely souls. In a crowd, I almost always approach the outcasts. I feel a kinship towards them; a certain rapport that I find difficult to have with the loud ones. I guess it’s because I don’t want them to feel how I feel. I don’t want them to suffer the circumstances that I do when mostly left alone during gatherings. I seem to have a knack for coaxing shy wallflowers to talk to me. Birds of a feather, I suppose?

I came upon the realization that I’m drawn towards these lonely beings is because I’m one of them. I can’t really put myself out there like those extroverts but I can approach hose quiet souls and make them feel less out of place. I like alleviating their discomfort in a gentle and quiet way instead if mixing with the center of the crowd. I seem to get on better with the marginalized than the popular ones.

It still bothers me sometimes that I have difficulty in blending in with a large group of people but then I realize we all have a place in this heterogeneous world of lively birds and colorful wallflowers. I may try to mix-in with the lively birds but I feel better among kindred spirits and whispering wallflowers.

disclaimer: photo not mine. Click this link for the source

Entwined hearts

I was just looking straight ahead, my feet on the ground. My goals were singular, my heart guarded behind bars. You came out of nowhere and joined my heart… or so I think.

Sometime later I found out that my heart is outside of its cage. The catch? You tied it, along with yours.. Wherever you go.

What you you'll do for love

"There is nothing I wouldn’t suffer if it would do him any good. I never thought that any one could feel so. I used to think if I loved anybody I would want him to do everything for me and wait on me as if I were a princess. But that is not the way at all. Love makes you very humble and you want to do everything yourself for the one you love."

- L.M. Montgomery, Further Chronicles of Avonlea

Relationship goal # 7

To eat breakfast with my special person more often. :">

Breakfast with you is always a great way to start the day. ;)

Rebel girl

The wind whipped her hair across her face. She heeded them not for she felt like her hair got its personality from her. No matter how much she ties it back, tendrils always escape from the buns to hang loosely about her face and neck. Rebel hair just like its owner who would never condone to being controlled or bound. However, life has its way of getting to you and this girl found her heart wrapped around a certain boy’s finger. A boy she hated and loved at the same time. Hated him for how he made her feel; how bound she felt to him. But alas! Love can’t be foreseen nor can it be stopped.

Thoughts # 13

...and it's during nights like these, after I'm worn out from dealing with people during the day, that I crave for your warm embrace and silent company to lull me to paradise.

Valentine's Day craze

Today, many people are conscious of celebrating Valentine’s Day like everybody else. I have nothing against celebrating V-Day. In fact, I like the idea of allocating a certain day to do something extra special with your loved one especially if both of you have tight and conflicting schedules. A planned date is good but that’s not an excuse to only show love on that specific day. We must continually show our partners that we love them and make them feel loved. Anyway, back on the topic of V-Day, what I’m saying is don’t be pressured because you didn’t receive what most people got on the day of hearts. Believe me, I know it feels exhilarating to receive flowers and chocolates and all those cheesy stuff especially on valentine’s season. There came a time when I no longer received any and my mood plummeted to the depths of the abyss. Expectations and the feeling of being “in” turned my mood sour. I even went as far as making comparisons which is very nasty of me. I really feel sorry for being immature then.

However, I came to learn that extra effort and little celebrations don’t have to fall on a single day. You can always have those cheesy moments and little surprises any time of the year. If you really want it, you can discuss it with your partner (although that kinda kills the surprise factor but some people really need a hint).

If you didn’t get any chocolate or flowers on Valentine’s Day then don’t be bitter towards people who do. If you receive any, be thankful, if you didn’t, don’t let it make you unhappy. If you received something from someone unexpected then be very thankful because that person thought of giving you something no matter how small or insignificant it is to you. Don’t let one day dictate your relationship. Take control and if you want something then ask without getting needy or angry.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!

1 John 4:19 We love, because He first loved us.

Let us show our love for the people we care about everyday of our lives.

Chocolate pop from a lady co-worker. Thank you, ma'am! :)

Hearts and arrows kinda date

Ever since I’ve seen pictures of people wielding bow and arrows, I wanted to pay Gandiva a visit. As a child and until now, I’ve aspired to try archery. I guess this is from playing too much RPG games but hey, it’s fascinating. I always thought that trying archery is a far-fetched dream. Where can I do that in Davao? It’s not something you can find anywhere near here so I was thrilled to see that an archery place opened in Davao and in one of the malls to boot! I didn’t have to go far or go to out of town resorts that offer this recreational activity. Achievement unlocked for me! I planned a date with my partner in advance so we can properly have this archery date.

 

I thought I can actually choose to wield this. XD

I asked friends who played there about the crowds and how long they waited and the price/s for playing. One friend told me they had to wait 1 hour and 30 minutes for their turn! Waiting is not really my strength so my partner and I decided to go to the mall when it opens in the morning to avoid the crowds that would flock the game area. We set the date and met at the mall around 11:00 AM. So much for the planned 9:30 AM meeting.

Still we were pretty early with a few stragglers along the mall and only one customer besides us at the start of our game. The price starts at Php200.00 for 20 arrows per person. We opted for the Php360 for 40 arrows good for two persons. You can say it was a post monthsary date, early “Valentine’s” date (although we don’t really celebrate Valentine’s Day). The lady-in-charge assisted us and briefed us about the possibility of the string to “recoil” after we release it. Some get bruised while others really get wounded so we have leather guards attached to our arms. I was so thrilled that my palms were gathering cold sweat. Ugh! The bow was heavy and quite difficult to wield at first thanks to my sweaty palms. Eventually we were able to fire a few shots.

Let's continue facing the same direction and goal. :">

I felt a twinge of dismay that my arrows didn’t fly true. I always end up hitting the sides of the target. I shouldn’t expect so much since it was my first time but I can’t help it. Eventually the euphoria of playing chased away my disappointment and I had a really grand time. I kept laughing most of the time that I didn’t realize that I used up all my 20 arrows. I thought 20 would be too much for me to handle for a first-timer but time AND arrows fly when you’re having fun. If another chance comes my way, I would like to play again. It was one of the best dates I ever had! Aside from the fact that we got to try something new together, everything went smoothly as opposed to most of our dates with hiccups along the way. Answered prayer!

I was hoping I get to choose which bow to use. XD

We were famished after playing so we head over to Pepper Lunch to enjoy a sumptuous sizzling lunch! The smell was divine as it was served on our table and it satisfied our tummies and taste buds! Burp! To more first-time-activity dates to come!

Garlic beef hits the spot! *burp!

Photo post # 6

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The struggle is real.

Walang time

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"Malayo na sana narating ng Adventure naten, kaso biglang nawalan ka na ng Time." 

Words and Artwork by Neil Johannes Botor

Sometimes I feel like we no longer have time for each other. I mean, it's not the same as before when we can just randomly go off on a trip and forget about our worries and realities. But now, it seems like the stress of everyday life is pressing on us and we don't even do anything to relieve ourselves from it like our "recharge" trips to little havens within the city. I dunno, maybe I'm the only one who feels this way but it's eating me up. It's probably due to added stress caused by frustrations and uncertainty towards the future. Rest assured it's not a future with you that I'm uncertain about but the path that I'm taking. I guess it's taking its toll on me and we're both getting busy. I just hope you realize sooner how much we needed a break from all this. I'm hoping you'll see and feel all this from my perspective and not just someone who sympathizes with my demise. I need you to empathize. I can't say all this to you because I know I sound selfish and I know you're working hard for the future. All I can hope is that you'll also see it my way.

Good ol' dating habits

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If only we can bring back these good old dating habits. :/

Song of nostalgia

        Do you remember? I don’t know if it was the first but I was sure it was one of those first moments when we had the time to ourselves. It was raining heavily, the pitter-patter of rain on the roof of your car and the raindrops streaked through the windshield and windows like falling tears. I may not remember what we did before and how you ended up taking me home. Probably because it was raining and I was running late for dinner. We were quiet and careful with our words, not wanting to disturb the moment. Then this song came up and you said it was your favorite. I couldn’t guess what it was but it sounds really nice and melancholic, brimming with earnest love. You didn’t tell me the title then and you left me guessing, my eyebrows meeting at the center and my face scrunched in thought. I finally guessed the artist. We both smiled and let the song envelope us. I finally heard the full song on the days that followed and learned the title.

        Until now, I secretly love that song despite people repeatedly playing it until it makes me and most people sick. I hate hearing it when played on radios or by other people but I love listening to it secretly on my own. I know it’s weird but the song takes me back to the time when we were still carefully feeling our steps towards each other, prodding each other’s barriers gently until we can finally reach out to each other.

Pain like the sun

“You said my sadness was like the sun, beautiful from a distance but it hurt you too much to come closer.”— Lang Leav

        This line from Lang Leav really hits me here *points to my sternum*. I can feel that my sadness hurts him. He tries to sympathize with me but he can’t find the right words to say or he doesn’t know how to comfort me when I’m sitting beside him, broken and unable to coherently explain myself. This frustrates him and sometimes results to us fighting because we can’t connect. I can’t explain to him in a way that he can understand with regards to my needs when I feel broken. During the times when I feel like letting all the negativity wash over me instead of fighting it off with a brave smile... We end up more hurt than before with no one being satisfied with the situation and aching at the same time to make it better.. Only... we don’t know how exactly to go about it. This is probably an accumulation of all the bad stuff that’s been happening and how we can’t seem to comfort each other properly. I hope this is just a phase and better days are coming...