Thoughts # 24

I long for the day when someone will look into my eyes & see the depths. See them & not be confused. See them & not fear. Look into them & appreciate the dancing thoughts in my soul. The dark abyss of terrors & the sparkling air of blue skies & sweet scented meadows. Oh when will that day come?

Thoughts # 23

I stare at the gloomy clouds... its dark & foreboding underbellies reminding me of all the wrong decisions I made. The wisps curling & sluggishly moving towards a destination I have no part. My spirit joining the clouds the moment you broke my heart.

Thoughts # 21

Choosing between two lovers is like choosing your poison.

Shutdown

The only way for me to survive pain is to shut it all out. Any feeling or affection would only get in the way. If my love remains, the pain would be too great for me to bear. Better to be cold than in pain.

Silence can kill

As venomous silence followed venomous silence,

poison spread in her heart;

turning it black by the second.

Any affection left was cast out to the darkness.

Photo post 15

I just need to let these feelings out to the point that I made a textgram out of it. (ᕗ ಠ︡益︠ಠ︠)ᕗ︵ ┻┻

Thoughts # 16

photo source

The catch about having a partner who doesn’t care about how you look (you don’t have to dress up/wear makeup or doesn’t care if you dye your hair in rainbow colors) is that you’re not sure if he really loves you deeper than your looks or he simply doesn’t care.

Struggle for acceptance

As teenagers, we peg heartbreaks as related to romantic relationships between a girl and a boy. However, as we grow older, heartbreaks come in different shapes and sizes. The diversity of heartbreaks also comes with the diversity of how and when it will heal.

Dealing with heartbreaks can be very messy. It can also be a trap! Just when you thought you moved on and BAM! An incident, a connection to the past, a mannerism, an activity that is closely linked with who you were and you land back to square one. It’s frustrating how you have to climb your way up again... away from the “depths of despair” as Anne Shirley described it.

Heartbreaks can range from the usual boy-girl relationship to family issues, broken friendships and the choices we make. We jump into the opportunity right before us, only to find ourselves in a minefield of confusion and doubt. Extricating ourselves from the said minefield is next to impossible with the adult life we’re leading. 

Different heartbreaks have different ways of dealing with the pain and finally road to healing. However, they seem to have a common denominator: stay away from triggers. From past relationships, I didn’t have much experience with triggers. Maybe because my feelings died even before the breakup happened thus little to no trauma happened. For the first time, I experienced a pain in my chest greater than any romantic relationship heartbreak... and this time, triggers introduced themselves to me. For the first time, I am able to say that moving is not easy and it takes time and effort. Effort not to wallow in self-pity and sadness because it will ruin everything. It won’t help and it will slow down your recovery.

I can’t say I’m an expert because I’m still in the “struggle for acceptance” stage. I’m still moving on. I’m even frustrated at myself because I feel like it’s taking me too long to move on and start the healing process. I was even caught in a trap! I believed that I finally moved on when I did something that triggered the heartbreak. Hey, I didn’t recognize it for a trigger and realized it only too late. I actually cried and it felt like the first time all over again. That’s when my reflection about moving on started. About how it’s not as easy as I thought it would be.

Am I too hard on myself? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is I wanna get out of this hellish place and enjoy what I’ve got and fast. However, my journey has only begun. I may get the impression that I’ve moved on towards healing but something may trigger those painful feelings & memories again.

I admit I am wary but I am also doing my best to enjoy the present. Just baby steps but at least moving forward. Living one day at a time. A huge adjustment but I’ll get there. I’ll be okay and when I look back, I’ll be able to smile & say, “I made it. I never thought I could but I did.” To others who are having the same experience, let’s not give up, okay? We’ll get there in our own time.

Thoughts # 15

Sometimes all you need is a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear that would sympathize with you and rub your back and try their best to offer what they could to make you feel better. I like these kinds of people who, even if they don’t have much, would do their best to cheer you up. People that would build other people instead of breaking them.

Not lovelife related but still love

It pains me to hold on to something that already let me go. But that's irrational, love always is & that's why I end up getting hurt.

Thoughts # 11

 It's crazy at times when you think you can "rattle the stars" and feel so strong that you feel no one can crumble your resolve and the next minute you just wanna crawl in a corner and feel depressed about the bad things that are happening.

Photo post # 6

photo source

The struggle is real.

Walang time

photo source

"Malayo na sana narating ng Adventure naten, kaso biglang nawalan ka na ng Time." 

Words and Artwork by Neil Johannes Botor

Sometimes I feel like we no longer have time for each other. I mean, it's not the same as before when we can just randomly go off on a trip and forget about our worries and realities. But now, it seems like the stress of everyday life is pressing on us and we don't even do anything to relieve ourselves from it like our "recharge" trips to little havens within the city. I dunno, maybe I'm the only one who feels this way but it's eating me up. It's probably due to added stress caused by frustrations and uncertainty towards the future. Rest assured it's not a future with you that I'm uncertain about but the path that I'm taking. I guess it's taking its toll on me and we're both getting busy. I just hope you realize sooner how much we needed a break from all this. I'm hoping you'll see and feel all this from my perspective and not just someone who sympathizes with my demise. I need you to empathize. I can't say all this to you because I know I sound selfish and I know you're working hard for the future. All I can hope is that you'll also see it my way.

Photo post # 5

I wanna go on a trip away from the busy city life. 

I need R&R to recover lost energy and good vibes that went out the window due to stress and unfavorable circumstances.

Pain like the sun

“You said my sadness was like the sun, beautiful from a distance but it hurt you too much to come closer.”— Lang Leav

        This line from Lang Leav really hits me here *points to my sternum*. I can feel that my sadness hurts him. He tries to sympathize with me but he can’t find the right words to say or he doesn’t know how to comfort me when I’m sitting beside him, broken and unable to coherently explain myself. This frustrates him and sometimes results to us fighting because we can’t connect. I can’t explain to him in a way that he can understand with regards to my needs when I feel broken. During the times when I feel like letting all the negativity wash over me instead of fighting it off with a brave smile... We end up more hurt than before with no one being satisfied with the situation and aching at the same time to make it better.. Only... we don’t know how exactly to go about it. This is probably an accumulation of all the bad stuff that’s been happening and how we can’t seem to comfort each other properly. I hope this is just a phase and better days are coming...

Sadness issues

"You are never too young or too mature to be so sad. Your distress is not less than somebody else's just because they seem to have been through more. No matter what triggers you, if you are hurting, your suffering is important. Regardless of how stupid or trivial you may think the reason is, if you feel down, do not be afraid or embarrassed to reach out. You do not need to prove or spell out your depression to the world in order to be cared for. Most often, silence is more dangerous than scars. If somebody says you don't look exhausted, tired or disturbed enough, please ask them to go screw themselves. Nobody gets to tell you how much heartache or agony is 'enough' for you to finally start seeking help. Do not ever be ashamed of asking for attention. Remember, your pain is valid. You are significant."

- Teresa A. Braggs

Oftentimes I feel that my grief should be justified. That if I feel sad for something, it should be great enough so I'll have the right to feel sad or to just stop being happy and wallow in sadness. To feel the negative emotion in order for me to release it and take a step towards recovery. People always compare their hardships to mine which makes mine sound insignificant. I feel that I lost the right to be sad because others have it worse which results to me bottling it all up. I won't be able to release it. This bottled up negativity will suddenly explode under the slight hint of pressure or another "tragedy" that results into further conflict or misunderstanding with the people who triggered it. 

Drip drop

The sound of rain

Drip drop it sang
Pattering against the roof
Burbling against the plants
Sloshing along the uneven stones

I roll over & cover myself in sheets
Keeping me warm
Embracing me, protecting me from the cold
But it felt impersonal, inhuman
Why am I harboring such silly thoughts?

I know that these sheets are all the comfort I can get
Why entertain thoughts of your embrace?
When I know that my voice cannot reach you
Why do I let loneliness squeeze my heart?
Drip drop answered the rain

Photo Post # 1

"You should be here.. beside me. Sharing your thoughts, relaxing, sleeping… sharing your time with me." 

My thoughts as we spend our time apart due to our busy schedules.


P.S. This is not my first photo post but I decided to start numbering them if I don't have a specific title, just a short caption for the photo.

Past peeping at me

I regularly check my emails so that they won’t expire or get cancelled. I first checked my oldest email ad which was actually made by my sister when I needed one way back grade school days. I checked at old messages saved in folders & felt a pang at how much my sister & I exchanged emails. The messages are mostly forwarded kinds but it made me realize how much we emailed each other before especially when she no longer lived in the same city as I. How things changed! To think that they (her family) is planning to move to another country! That’s so far. It was already saddening when they no longer lived in the same city, let alone a different country! Nobody knows what’s gonna happen in the future. We can only hope & do the best that we can in the present.
 

There are also other messages that I found in my inbox; messages from people in the past whom I was close friends with but now seemingly distant. It made me wonder what happened between us, why we became all distant. I suppose I grew out of them or vice versa. Either way we took different paths & were not able to return to the way we used to be unlike some people. Some of us don’t talk anymore or have almost nothing to talk about. I can’t even talk to them or when I DO try to talk to them, they wouldn’t reply to my queries. It’s kind of discouraging to continue to contact them when it’s already obvious that they don’t care as much as I do because if they do have even a bit of concern, they would reply. All I get are “seens” from FB messages I sent to them. So I decided to move on with my life & be content with what I have.

So there, things & people may change but what happened will never change. Mementos that are born from those events will remind us of what was. It will peep at us when we least expect it & send our hearts aching for something that will never come back, that is never the same.

Another one of my old writings that I want to share on this blog. ;) FYI, my sister and her family flew to Australia June last year so this writing was, I guess, months or weeks before their flight.

Late night realizations

One turns off their phone not because they don't want to receive calls but because they want to avoid the pain of disappointment when they receive none.