Red

Cherry, the color of blood

Ruby, vibrant and alive

Copper, soaking on the walls

Flaming, burning passion between two people

Scarlet, stop, pause, record

Cardinal, color so rich, it can’t help being noticed,

Glowing, hot as anger

Crimson, a love so strong, it begs to be felt

Puce, pain and damage

I see red when I think of you. Can’t you see all the paradox you make me feel?

Thoughts # 23

I stare at the gloomy clouds... its dark & foreboding underbellies reminding me of all the wrong decisions I made. The wisps curling & sluggishly moving towards a destination I have no part. My spirit joining the clouds the moment you broke my heart.

Relationship adjustments

The thing about pride is, once you shrug it off for someone, you don’t know what actions to take next. Should I make the next move? Should I keep on waiting in case he wants to be left alone?

I’m a person who doesn’t make the first move. Out of shyness or fear or rebuff. I don’t want to appear too easy, as well, so I take my sweet time in responding. However, circumstances have pushed me to shed this garment called pride.

I’m in a pinch and adjusting to this new way of responding & doing things. To not to think too much about my ego and think about what’s for the greater good of the relationship. I hope this will lead to better days.

This thought was written months ago and I must say there's a bit of improvement in controlling my pride. Either that or he's learned not to match my anger and temper with his own. Hahaha. Either way, we are now able to keep flaring tempers at a minimum and understand each other better when conflicts arise. If I get whiny and moody, he seems to keep his cool by now and instead offers comforts (massage or cuddles or treats) to lift my spirits. Good job, us, in adjusting to each other's needs. :)

Settling

"There are many things that can keep you in a relationship," he says. His eyes are begging me to listen. "Fear of being alone. Fear of disrupting the arrangement of your life. A decision to settle for something that's okay, because you don't know if you can get any better. Or maybe there's the irrational belief that it will get better, even if you know he won't change."

 - David Levithan, Another Day

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 THIS. This conversation in the book hit me hard. Settling.. A is making Rhiannon see that she's just settling with Justin. I think I was a Rhiannon back then. Not total hopeless Rhiannon but I settled because I feared that I will never have a relationship better that I had back then. I made excuses for every mistake and the line between right and wrong blurred. My friends were warning me and I know the logical part of my brain is shouting to my heart that enough is enough.

It took me a while though before I finally made up my mind to let go. To see and believe reason and to keep believing that better things are coming. It wasn't easy. I was afraid at first but the freedom I felt after I finally decided to CHOOSE ME was exhilarating. Of course, I faced repercussions and the ire of quite a number of people but I was moving forward. I left it all behind and that was one of the best decisions I ever made.

In the end, you choose yourself because only you will face the consequences of your decisions. Not them, who can only give you advice on what they think is best and not having to suffer for the consequences. I hope this time I'm not just settling. I hope this time I'm not backsliding to the dark pit I once was in. 

Thoughts # 16

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The catch about having a partner who doesn’t care about how you look (you don’t have to dress up/wear makeup or doesn’t care if you dye your hair in rainbow colors) is that you’re not sure if he really loves you deeper than your looks or he simply doesn’t care.

Photo post # 6

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The struggle is real.

Walang time

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"Malayo na sana narating ng Adventure naten, kaso biglang nawalan ka na ng Time." 

Words and Artwork by Neil Johannes Botor

Sometimes I feel like we no longer have time for each other. I mean, it's not the same as before when we can just randomly go off on a trip and forget about our worries and realities. But now, it seems like the stress of everyday life is pressing on us and we don't even do anything to relieve ourselves from it like our "recharge" trips to little havens within the city. I dunno, maybe I'm the only one who feels this way but it's eating me up. It's probably due to added stress caused by frustrations and uncertainty towards the future. Rest assured it's not a future with you that I'm uncertain about but the path that I'm taking. I guess it's taking its toll on me and we're both getting busy. I just hope you realize sooner how much we needed a break from all this. I'm hoping you'll see and feel all this from my perspective and not just someone who sympathizes with my demise. I need you to empathize. I can't say all this to you because I know I sound selfish and I know you're working hard for the future. All I can hope is that you'll also see it my way.

Swerte daw

        I keep hearing things like, “You’re so lucky he is your boyfriend!” “You’re so lucky because he is so handsome!” “I’m envious!” “He is famous and you’re such a lucky girl!” and something along those lines.

        I agree that I am lucky but for different reasons. Him being handsome is a bonus and I’m not into popular people or guys. If anything, I prefer the mysterious people. The ones you see on the sidelines. My curiosity pushes me to know more about those people. He just happens to come into my life and many unexpected things happened afterwards.

         I am lucky because I have a boyfriend like him. Caring, practical (to a fault at times to my great annoyance!), protective, and challenges me to become a better version of myself. I’m lucky because he is who he is and it makes me both sad and happy.