Thoughts # 27

Your eyes are like magnets as they search mine in a crowd. You compel me to answer that look and when our eyes meet, the crowd blurs into a muted background. It was like time stopped until one of us looks away.

Thoughts # 26

No matter how much we act strong, carry ourselves as if we don’t need anybody. We always want to be saved, taken care of by that one particular, special person.

Inked

She wrote letters to stamp her words in ink.

She froze a moment, a kind word, encouragement.

She made herself available in paper.

A part of her one can always go back to.

A conversation forever replayed in pages.

She will be remembered by the words she left.

Bend in the road

I will miss all this. I will miss things I never thought I would experience. These excitements and thrills that make me feel alive. Make me feel that I’m making a difference. Despite all that, I must move on and say goodbye. I must think of the long run.

These thrills are momentary. Once they end, the charm wears off and I’m back to the usual. Would I exchange momentary excitement for an opportunity that I know would make me happier? That would benefit me in the long run? I think not. I made my choice. I will face the consequences and make sacrifices. Sacrifices that I know I can give up for something I want. Something I’ve been waiting for so long.

Life is full of choices and sacrifices. You choose what you’re willing to lose in order to gain.

Coming back won’t be the same. I’m not the same. It’s a start of a new journey. Familiar environment perhaps but never the same. We can never go back to what once was, we can only start again.

So to anyone who is starting again, stay strong. Pray to God for strength and guidance. Hope for the best but be prepared. Keep up the faith for exciting things may come at the bend in the road.

Photo post 15

I just need to let these feelings out to the point that I made a textgram out of it. (ᕗ ಠ︡益︠ಠ︠)ᕗ︵ ┻┻

Thoughts # 17

source

"I’m a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I’m lazy, yet I’m ambitious. I don’t like myself, but I also love who I am. I say I don’t care, but I really do. I crave attention, but reject it when it comes my way. I’m a conflicted contradiction. If I can’t figure myself out, there’s no way anyone else has." —unlockingparadise

Everyday prayers

• Lord, grant me the wisdom to say the right words and when to say them.
• Lord, grant me the prudence to remain silent when words are not needed.
• Lord, cover me with your most precious blood to protect me from all forms of harm. 
• Lord, give me the grace to understand others and be compassionate. 
• Thank you, Lord, for the true peace only you can give to an anxious soul. 
• Thank you, Lord, for the grace and favor that you showered upon me that I may also be a blessing to others.
• Above all, thank you for the strength to do all the good works you prepared for me through Christ who gives me strength, amen

Struggle for acceptance

As teenagers, we peg heartbreaks as related to romantic relationships between a girl and a boy. However, as we grow older, heartbreaks come in different shapes and sizes. The diversity of heartbreaks also comes with the diversity of how and when it will heal.

Dealing with heartbreaks can be very messy. It can also be a trap! Just when you thought you moved on and BAM! An incident, a connection to the past, a mannerism, an activity that is closely linked with who you were and you land back to square one. It’s frustrating how you have to climb your way up again... away from the “depths of despair” as Anne Shirley described it.

Heartbreaks can range from the usual boy-girl relationship to family issues, broken friendships and the choices we make. We jump into the opportunity right before us, only to find ourselves in a minefield of confusion and doubt. Extricating ourselves from the said minefield is next to impossible with the adult life we’re leading. 

Different heartbreaks have different ways of dealing with the pain and finally road to healing. However, they seem to have a common denominator: stay away from triggers. From past relationships, I didn’t have much experience with triggers. Maybe because my feelings died even before the breakup happened thus little to no trauma happened. For the first time, I experienced a pain in my chest greater than any romantic relationship heartbreak... and this time, triggers introduced themselves to me. For the first time, I am able to say that moving is not easy and it takes time and effort. Effort not to wallow in self-pity and sadness because it will ruin everything. It won’t help and it will slow down your recovery.

I can’t say I’m an expert because I’m still in the “struggle for acceptance” stage. I’m still moving on. I’m even frustrated at myself because I feel like it’s taking me too long to move on and start the healing process. I was even caught in a trap! I believed that I finally moved on when I did something that triggered the heartbreak. Hey, I didn’t recognize it for a trigger and realized it only too late. I actually cried and it felt like the first time all over again. That’s when my reflection about moving on started. About how it’s not as easy as I thought it would be.

Am I too hard on myself? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is I wanna get out of this hellish place and enjoy what I’ve got and fast. However, my journey has only begun. I may get the impression that I’ve moved on towards healing but something may trigger those painful feelings & memories again.

I admit I am wary but I am also doing my best to enjoy the present. Just baby steps but at least moving forward. Living one day at a time. A huge adjustment but I’ll get there. I’ll be okay and when I look back, I’ll be able to smile & say, “I made it. I never thought I could but I did.” To others who are having the same experience, let’s not give up, okay? We’ll get there in our own time.

Another introvert post

Some people are probably tired of hearing "introverts are... bla bla bla.. introverts should be treated as... bla bla bla..." But you know what? We say these things because we still encounter people who treat being an introvert like an illness. Some think this disposition can be "cured" like a disease and it annoys me because it's just who we are. We want to be understood, not cured. I'm not asking for special treatment but please stop seeing us as sick people.

Thoughts # 15

Sometimes all you need is a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear that would sympathize with you and rub your back and try their best to offer what they could to make you feel better. I like these kinds of people who, even if they don’t have much, would do their best to cheer you up. People that would build other people instead of breaking them.

Aching heart

Thrown in an alien place, she stumbled in the dark. Whispers and confused faces speculating how she’ll fare. She stretches her hands in the hope of salvation.

She looks forward to the time when she’ll see his face. The face that instantly relieves the aches and pains of her body. If only she can spend more time with him. If only she can spend nights with him to fill that wanting hollow inside.

Not lovelife related but still love

It pains me to hold on to something that already let me go. But that's irrational, love always is & that's why I end up getting hurt.

Rebel girl

The wind whipped her hair across her face. She heeded them not for she felt like her hair got its personality from her. No matter how much she ties it back, tendrils always escape from the buns to hang loosely about her face and neck. Rebel hair just like its owner who would never condone to being controlled or bound. However, life has its way of getting to you and this girl found her heart wrapped around a certain boy’s finger. A boy she hated and loved at the same time. Hated him for how he made her feel; how bound she felt to him. But alas! Love can’t be foreseen nor can it be stopped.

Thoughts # 13

...and it's during nights like these, after I'm worn out from dealing with people during the day, that I crave for your warm embrace and silent company to lull me to paradise.

Thoughts # 12

"Men broke so much more quickly. Grief didn’t break women. Instead it wore them down, it hollowed them out, very slowly."

-Cornelia Funke 

 

I never thought of it this way but now it makes sense...

 

Thoughts # 11

 It's crazy at times when you think you can "rattle the stars" and feel so strong that you feel no one can crumble your resolve and the next minute you just wanna crawl in a corner and feel depressed about the bad things that are happening.

Photo post # 6

photo source

The struggle is real.

Walang time

photo source

"Malayo na sana narating ng Adventure naten, kaso biglang nawalan ka na ng Time." 

Words and Artwork by Neil Johannes Botor

Sometimes I feel like we no longer have time for each other. I mean, it's not the same as before when we can just randomly go off on a trip and forget about our worries and realities. But now, it seems like the stress of everyday life is pressing on us and we don't even do anything to relieve ourselves from it like our "recharge" trips to little havens within the city. I dunno, maybe I'm the only one who feels this way but it's eating me up. It's probably due to added stress caused by frustrations and uncertainty towards the future. Rest assured it's not a future with you that I'm uncertain about but the path that I'm taking. I guess it's taking its toll on me and we're both getting busy. I just hope you realize sooner how much we needed a break from all this. I'm hoping you'll see and feel all this from my perspective and not just someone who sympathizes with my demise. I need you to empathize. I can't say all this to you because I know I sound selfish and I know you're working hard for the future. All I can hope is that you'll also see it my way.

Photo post # 5

I wanna go on a trip away from the busy city life. 

I need R&R to recover lost energy and good vibes that went out the window due to stress and unfavorable circumstances.

Song of nostalgia

        Do you remember? I don’t know if it was the first but I was sure it was one of those first moments when we had the time to ourselves. It was raining heavily, the pitter-patter of rain on the roof of your car and the raindrops streaked through the windshield and windows like falling tears. I may not remember what we did before and how you ended up taking me home. Probably because it was raining and I was running late for dinner. We were quiet and careful with our words, not wanting to disturb the moment. Then this song came up and you said it was your favorite. I couldn’t guess what it was but it sounds really nice and melancholic, brimming with earnest love. You didn’t tell me the title then and you left me guessing, my eyebrows meeting at the center and my face scrunched in thought. I finally guessed the artist. We both smiled and let the song envelope us. I finally heard the full song on the days that followed and learned the title.

        Until now, I secretly love that song despite people repeatedly playing it until it makes me and most people sick. I hate hearing it when played on radios or by other people but I love listening to it secretly on my own. I know it’s weird but the song takes me back to the time when we were still carefully feeling our steps towards each other, prodding each other’s barriers gently until we can finally reach out to each other.