Red

Cherry, the color of blood

Ruby, vibrant and alive

Copper, soaking on the walls

Flaming, burning passion between two people

Scarlet, stop, pause, record

Cardinal, color so rich, it can’t help being noticed,

Glowing, hot as anger

Crimson, a love so strong, it begs to be felt

Puce, pain and damage

I see red when I think of you. Can’t you see all the paradox you make me feel?

'Smell the flowers' 🌸

They say time flies when you’re having fun. I couldn’t agree more. But here’s the catch. Time flies when I’m with you whether we’re having fun, doing nothing or even if we’re not in good terms. *cough LQ * cough

It’s kind of difficult that we have different views on time. You pursue your goals to the point that you sometimes forget to live in the present. To “stop and smell the flowers” as they say. No matter how much I try to explain that concept, you don’t get it. You’re whole being rebels at the thought of pausing. Perhaps it’s because you haven’t seen what time sweeps away when you least notice its passing. Perhaps it’s because you’re the eldest kid and you lead the way that you don’t see the pitfalls of rushing towards that goal too fast, sacrificing precious moments that will never return.

I, on the other hand, have seen countless moments go to waste because proper attention wasn’t given to them. When the person wished to go back to that time, relive it... it’s gone forever. It’s not gonna happen the way one envisions it; slipped from one’s fingers completely. A sad mimicry to that moment to make up for lost time is mostly the remedy but the essence of that moment is lost forever.

I want to avoid such occurrence so I do my best to grab that moment, hold on to it, chase it, crystallize it so I can always go back to it when I need to. I have this great need to document all the important phases of my life because I don’t want to miss anything. I don’t want history to repeat itself. I don’t want to make the same mistake of taking things for granted, of always thinking I have more time with this person because one can never know the changes that might come. Better be safe than sorry. You may be irritated at how zealous I am at being IN THE MOMENT but I don’t care. You can get mad all you like but I’m not taking chances. Never again.

I hope one day you will be able to fully grasp my perspective and learn to slow down and smell the flowers. That you will come to appreciate the moment without suddenly jumping because you remember the rat race towards your goal.

I’m not asking you to stop chasing those goals, just slow down enough that you balance that fiery passion with cool leisure.

Relationship adjustments

The thing about pride is, once you shrug it off for someone, you don’t know what actions to take next. Should I make the next move? Should I keep on waiting in case he wants to be left alone?

I’m a person who doesn’t make the first move. Out of shyness or fear or rebuff. I don’t want to appear too easy, as well, so I take my sweet time in responding. However, circumstances have pushed me to shed this garment called pride.

I’m in a pinch and adjusting to this new way of responding & doing things. To not to think too much about my ego and think about what’s for the greater good of the relationship. I hope this will lead to better days.

This thought was written months ago and I must say there's a bit of improvement in controlling my pride. Either that or he's learned not to match my anger and temper with his own. Hahaha. Either way, we are now able to keep flaring tempers at a minimum and understand each other better when conflicts arise. If I get whiny and moody, he seems to keep his cool by now and instead offers comforts (massage or cuddles or treats) to lift my spirits. Good job, us, in adjusting to each other's needs. :)

Settling

"There are many things that can keep you in a relationship," he says. His eyes are begging me to listen. "Fear of being alone. Fear of disrupting the arrangement of your life. A decision to settle for something that's okay, because you don't know if you can get any better. Or maybe there's the irrational belief that it will get better, even if you know he won't change."

 - David Levithan, Another Day

photo source

 THIS. This conversation in the book hit me hard. Settling.. A is making Rhiannon see that she's just settling with Justin. I think I was a Rhiannon back then. Not total hopeless Rhiannon but I settled because I feared that I will never have a relationship better that I had back then. I made excuses for every mistake and the line between right and wrong blurred. My friends were warning me and I know the logical part of my brain is shouting to my heart that enough is enough.

It took me a while though before I finally made up my mind to let go. To see and believe reason and to keep believing that better things are coming. It wasn't easy. I was afraid at first but the freedom I felt after I finally decided to CHOOSE ME was exhilarating. Of course, I faced repercussions and the ire of quite a number of people but I was moving forward. I left it all behind and that was one of the best decisions I ever made.

In the end, you choose yourself because only you will face the consequences of your decisions. Not them, who can only give you advice on what they think is best and not having to suffer for the consequences. I hope this time I'm not just settling. I hope this time I'm not backsliding to the dark pit I once was in. 

Struggle for acceptance

As teenagers, we peg heartbreaks as related to romantic relationships between a girl and a boy. However, as we grow older, heartbreaks come in different shapes and sizes. The diversity of heartbreaks also comes with the diversity of how and when it will heal.

Dealing with heartbreaks can be very messy. It can also be a trap! Just when you thought you moved on and BAM! An incident, a connection to the past, a mannerism, an activity that is closely linked with who you were and you land back to square one. It’s frustrating how you have to climb your way up again... away from the “depths of despair” as Anne Shirley described it.

Heartbreaks can range from the usual boy-girl relationship to family issues, broken friendships and the choices we make. We jump into the opportunity right before us, only to find ourselves in a minefield of confusion and doubt. Extricating ourselves from the said minefield is next to impossible with the adult life we’re leading. 

Different heartbreaks have different ways of dealing with the pain and finally road to healing. However, they seem to have a common denominator: stay away from triggers. From past relationships, I didn’t have much experience with triggers. Maybe because my feelings died even before the breakup happened thus little to no trauma happened. For the first time, I experienced a pain in my chest greater than any romantic relationship heartbreak... and this time, triggers introduced themselves to me. For the first time, I am able to say that moving is not easy and it takes time and effort. Effort not to wallow in self-pity and sadness because it will ruin everything. It won’t help and it will slow down your recovery.

I can’t say I’m an expert because I’m still in the “struggle for acceptance” stage. I’m still moving on. I’m even frustrated at myself because I feel like it’s taking me too long to move on and start the healing process. I was even caught in a trap! I believed that I finally moved on when I did something that triggered the heartbreak. Hey, I didn’t recognize it for a trigger and realized it only too late. I actually cried and it felt like the first time all over again. That’s when my reflection about moving on started. About how it’s not as easy as I thought it would be.

Am I too hard on myself? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is I wanna get out of this hellish place and enjoy what I’ve got and fast. However, my journey has only begun. I may get the impression that I’ve moved on towards healing but something may trigger those painful feelings & memories again.

I admit I am wary but I am also doing my best to enjoy the present. Just baby steps but at least moving forward. Living one day at a time. A huge adjustment but I’ll get there. I’ll be okay and when I look back, I’ll be able to smile & say, “I made it. I never thought I could but I did.” To others who are having the same experience, let’s not give up, okay? We’ll get there in our own time.

The heart wants what it wants

Looking far away
To lands she feels she belongs
Her feelings are a-sway
Following her thoughts along

O weary heart, how to ease your pain?
You think that what you’re feeling
To others quite mundane
To them you are just complaining

Aching heart

Thrown in an alien place, she stumbled in the dark. Whispers and confused faces speculating how she’ll fare. She stretches her hands in the hope of salvation.

She looks forward to the time when she’ll see his face. The face that instantly relieves the aches and pains of her body. If only she can spend more time with him. If only she can spend nights with him to fill that wanting hollow inside.

Thoughts # 14

Indeed... secrets breed doubt. Trust is lost and everything, every action for the person becomes difficult because of a nagging doubt at the back of your head that he or she could be keeping more secrets from you.