I just wanna chill right now because a lot of s^%$ has been happening lately. I need another getaway.
Another pool trip, please! Ugh...

Turning point

CJ and I have been dating for close to 3 months and it hasn’t been easy but we were able to weather through by communicating our feelings and what we think about things. It really helps a lot when we share or feelings and how we think but it can be very difficult especially since we’re still on the getting to know each other stage. One of the struggles are the scars I got from past relationships. I have cracks here and there… remnants from pieces of me that I picked up when I was utterly shattered by someone. Not from heartbreak due to breakups but through gradual disillusionment that spanned years. Thank goodness I stopped it before I was beyond repair.

Because of such experiences I am wary about relationships. CJ appears too good to be true and sometimes my insecurities play with my head and I tend to push him away before I get hurt. One time we talked seriously about how difficult I am and how sorry I am that he had to deal with me, cracks and all. He simply said, “I’m not sure if I can fix you… but… start a new life with me.” I was stunned. I can’t believe it at first. That he wants to starts afresh with me. I can’t erase what happened to me but he offered me something different. Something new. The best part is that he told me that because he is also starting a new life with me. So the back to square one life applies to both of us. We’ll do things, try new things, experience what we want and constantly communicate our feelings so that we can slowly work things out.

This starting new thing is not something that happens just because we decided on it. It needs constant reassurance and lots of work. We still stumble a lot and we tend to have misunderstandings but we always find our way back to each other because we made a decision on this as partners and I guess that’s a very important key in keeping this relationship.

It's always an adventure when I'm with you.

Orchids and childhood memories

photo source

photo source

Orchids! 

Yes I’ve been thinking about a wedding bouquet for some time and no I’m not getting married…yet. It comes to mind when I see Stargazers since they are my sisters’ wedding bouquets. I want something different and I also want it to be the same. My eldest sister’s bouquet is white Stargazers while my other sister’s bouquet is pink ones. They are both very pretty and sweetly fragrant. However, the available colors left are not to my liking. My sister said the other colors are orange and yellow. Uuuhh… not really my type. If only there are bluish-white Stargazers then I would definitely go for them! Instead, I decided to go for orchids. I know they would be expensive but they are really beautiful. Orchids are also part of my childhood so they hold such sentimental value for me.

When I was young, our mother had an orchid garden which she tends to meticulously. She sells them to people who will resell them at markets. She spends most of her free time tending to them, fertilizing them (which resulted to her hands getting “poisoned” due to the chemicals from fertilizers) while singing. I would sometimes follow her around but stopped when she went deeper into the garden because I hate bugs and the more plants there are the more bugs and creepy crawlies lurk at the sideways.

We don’t have that garden anymore because the effort of growing them took a toll on mother so she sold the last of the orchids and stopped. She still maintains a garden with low maintenance plants which she enjoys taking care of without the strain similar to an orchid garden. She also has little vegetable “gardens” for our consumption because she really wants to go organic on our diet. I kinda wish I have a green thumb like hers. I haven’t really tried my luck yet but maybe in the future I will. I also like organic food but it’s really expensive.

Anyway, so there’s the background on why I would like to have orchids as my wedding bouquet. It’s nostalgic and I want mother to remember the old times she took care of her beauties as her daughter walks down the aisle. I still catch her looking longingly at orchids sold at markets or malls. She must be remembering the happy times she spent at her orchid garden.

Past peeping at me

I regularly check my emails so that they won’t expire or get cancelled. I first checked my oldest email ad which was actually made by my sister when I needed one way back grade school days. I checked at old messages saved in folders & felt a pang at how much my sister & I exchanged emails. The messages are mostly forwarded kinds but it made me realize how much we emailed each other before especially when she no longer lived in the same city as I. How things changed! To think that they (her family) is planning to move to another country! That’s so far. It was already saddening when they no longer lived in the same city, let alone a different country! Nobody knows what’s gonna happen in the future. We can only hope & do the best that we can in the present.
 

There are also other messages that I found in my inbox; messages from people in the past whom I was close friends with but now seemingly distant. It made me wonder what happened between us, why we became all distant. I suppose I grew out of them or vice versa. Either way we took different paths & were not able to return to the way we used to be unlike some people. Some of us don’t talk anymore or have almost nothing to talk about. I can’t even talk to them or when I DO try to talk to them, they wouldn’t reply to my queries. It’s kind of discouraging to continue to contact them when it’s already obvious that they don’t care as much as I do because if they do have even a bit of concern, they would reply. All I get are “seens” from FB messages I sent to them. So I decided to move on with my life & be content with what I have.

So there, things & people may change but what happened will never change. Mementos that are born from those events will remind us of what was. It will peep at us when we least expect it & send our hearts aching for something that will never come back, that is never the same.

Another one of my old writings that I want to share on this blog. ;) FYI, my sister and her family flew to Australia June last year so this writing was, I guess, months or weeks before their flight.

Comfort and Joie

I was really down because of work issues but this guy cheered me up just by being with me and spending time with me. I know that he's also tired from work but he makes time just so we can be together. We are each others stress relievers. I couldn't have thought of a better way to relax, release the bad vibes and just chill than just being with Christian. It makes my heart melt every time he says he is at ease with me. That he can just be his natural self when being with me even though he annoys me A LOT because he loves to tease me all the time for every little thing. It's a pain that we live so far away from each other but I'm forever thankful that despite the distance, he makes an effort to spend time with me or visit me. Who would have thought, right? We are opposites and we rarely have anything in common even with our environment but we found each other. Like puzzle pieces that are totally different, we fit each other.