Of fears on being in love

“What’s it like to be in love?” May asked.

Lucy’s smile was sad. “It’s the most wonderful and terrible thing that can ever happen to you,” she said simply.

“You know that you’ve found something amazing, and you want to hold on to it forever, and every second after you have it, you fear the moment you might lose it.”

 

        This has been my path every since I started my current relationship. I'm not saying I never feared losing my past boyfriends when we were together but this time it feels different. I'm more scared than I was before and I feel this is more fragile compared to the others. I can totally relate to what Lucy said about "...every second after you have it, you fear the moment you might lose it." I'm torn between simply saying what's on my mind and doing what I want to do and controlling what I say out loud to avoid conflict when the atmosphere is charged with tension. For the most part, I say things before I think and it usually ends in arguments. I am being reminded that I should be sensitive to the people around me, especially those close to me so that I won't unnecessarily hurt their feelings. I also have to lower my pride a notch. After all, pride can't hug me back. Hahaha kidding! A healthy amount of pride is okay (I guess) for self preservation but an unhealthy level of pride sure ruins relationships. If I don't want to lose this relationship (you have no idea...or maybe you do.. on how much I want this to work) then I must adjust, too. I will keep being myself but also be sensitive to his feelings so that we can stay in harmony. Or if I have concerns, I better phrase them properly to avoid misunderstandings that cause conflicts.

My lullaby

Twist and turn

My mind’s churning

So many crowding thoughts

Trying to suppress but got caught

Caught in this trap that got me on hold

Overthinking, I think it’s called

Twist and turn

Oh how to get away?

You reached me through invisible signals

I hear your even breathing

That small, seemingly insignificant hushing

Stretching to reach a deep part of me

Caressing my troubled melancholy

Sadness issues

"You are never too young or too mature to be so sad. Your distress is not less than somebody else's just because they seem to have been through more. No matter what triggers you, if you are hurting, your suffering is important. Regardless of how stupid or trivial you may think the reason is, if you feel down, do not be afraid or embarrassed to reach out. You do not need to prove or spell out your depression to the world in order to be cared for. Most often, silence is more dangerous than scars. If somebody says you don't look exhausted, tired or disturbed enough, please ask them to go screw themselves. Nobody gets to tell you how much heartache or agony is 'enough' for you to finally start seeking help. Do not ever be ashamed of asking for attention. Remember, your pain is valid. You are significant."

- Teresa A. Braggs

Oftentimes I feel that my grief should be justified. That if I feel sad for something, it should be great enough so I'll have the right to feel sad or to just stop being happy and wallow in sadness. To feel the negative emotion in order for me to release it and take a step towards recovery. People always compare their hardships to mine which makes mine sound insignificant. I feel that I lost the right to be sad because others have it worse which results to me bottling it all up. I won't be able to release it. This bottled up negativity will suddenly explode under the slight hint of pressure or another "tragedy" that results into further conflict or misunderstanding with the people who triggered it. 

Infectious laugh

His laugh is so infectious and real that it makes me happy just hearing it. It makes me want to do stuff that would make him laugh like that.

You're my freak

"You're a classical cellist whose parents are old punk rockers. You're a total freak. But you're my freak."

- Adam, Where She Went

This line from Where She Went made me smile because it reminds of the times my partner calls me funny names and adds, “But you’re my <insert insulting/funny name here>.” It’s cheesy and all but it still makes my heart flutter.

 I’m currently reading Where She Went and I’m hooked. The story of If I Stay and Where She Went is sad and tragic but not in a heavy way. You know how depressing their situation is but it’s told in a way that doesn’t make you feel sad in a bad way. It’s a hopeful kind of sad. I can’t totally explain it but the movie felt heavier compared to the book. The drama and emotions felt heavy in the movie compared to the book. I like it all the same and I’m looking forward to unraveling the story in Where She Went