March 2017 Photo-A-Day Challenge Day 13 - Ink

You're not a secretary (at our office) if you don't have this. Very important and part of our core function as secretaries. XD
That's an automatic numbering machine, by the way. :D

Thoughts # 19

Life choices are not usually between bad and good. More often than not, it’s between good and better, which is the lesser evil. It’s difficult to choose which is better among the good with fear that perhaps your “better” choice is not the best among the good. Same goes for which is the lesser evil.

Photo post # 13

Another reminder for a soul that feels hopeless. ∞✞♥

Good ol' dating habits

photo source

If only we can bring back these good old dating habits. :/

Dry creativity

I've been in a slump lately and no inspiration visits me. I'm also going through changes right now so I'm pretty much busy catching up with life and wading my way through the valleys and bends in the road of change. I guess I won't be able to update this blog as often as I want and if I ever do update it, it will be composed of short texts, pictures and screencaps that I can relate to with a bit of explanation from my side. I guess that would have to do for now. I hope some inspiration will visit me soon.

Relationship goal # 6

When conversations about the future always include “we” and “us”. :”>

Thoughts # 5

I suddenly understand why some people are afraid of happiness… because something is bound to happen that will even out the good things that are happening.

Thoughts # 4

Portions of your life are like plants. You have to water them and fertilize them in order for them to grow and bear fruit. Don’t expect fruits, beautiful flowers and a bountiful garden on an area or areas where you least give your attention to.

Sunbeams, happiness & jealous eyes

        We often misunderstand each other and this causes conflict to both parties. One example would be a person who is proud about his or her happiness. He/she shares their delight and gushes over it to their friends. They animatedly tell their story with genuine happiness and excitement. This is well and good over well-meaning people but to the jealous eyes, this is dangerous to the happy person. Jealous eyes will look at the person in a different light. To them, the happy person is bragging and shoving his/her success or progress up their noses. They can’t stand it and resent the happy person, thinking him/her insensitive.

        I know that we should always be tactful and careful not hurt people but sharing genuine happiness is a good thing. Spreading good vibes is actually contagious and may actually uplift other people’s moods. A ray of sunshine is always welcome unless you have your own happiness issues and resent people whose smiles cast sunbeams.

        This makes me sad because such negativity may bring the happy person down and may join their club of sullen people. Instead of feeling proud, the happy person will shrink back to their hole and instead feel ashamed of his/her good fortune. It may cause guilt on the happy person and feel sad over why the others didn’t have the same good fortune as him/her.

        We can’t please everyone and let’s all keep in mind that those real people who matter will be happy for you no matter what. Let those jealous eyes seethe but don’t let them bring you down. Continue to do your best and be happy! Even if you try to hide it, happiness and success will always radiate from you.

Late night thoughts at 10:15 P.M.

        I’m the suffer-in-silence kind of person. I prefer to keep my true feelings to myself, especially negative feelings. I don’t want to appear weak or bad in front of other people. Sure, I blog about my feelings for anyone to read but I can’t say my feelings directly to the person/s involved. There’s something neutral about writing or blogging about your feelings. You can make it sound universal, and true, such human emotions can be experienced by anyone. But when you say it directly to the person/s involved, it becomes too personal. It becomes an embodiment of who you are in parts. The you who reacts this way. The you who feels strongly about a situation. It becomes a part of you instead of a situation that can happen to anyone and you just happen to be the one sharing about that similar experience.

         I guess that’s my way of expressing my emotions, how I feel, and what I think without getting the feeling that I’m compromising my image by reacting in such a negative way. Maybe the way I think about fully being honest straight up about my feelings is wrong. Maybe it’s wrong to think that my image will be compromised if I’m truly 100% honest about my feelings... Who knows? Maybe you would like to share your opinion/s with me.

Appreciation Post

I always pray to have the courage to follow you, challenge you (when I know I'm right and you're being stubborn and you overlook things), and solve life problems with you. I easily get mad, I'm hot-headed and we end up fighting and arguing. I'm thankful that you continue to try and work things out even though I'm despairing and thinking that we are simply falling apart (OA lang pud. haha pasensya). Let's continue our journey through life together, okay? We'll always be partners and thank you for correcting me when I'm wrong even though you get your head bitten off 'cause I hate being wrong. Hahaha forgive me. You know what to do when I get mad, right? Hahaha

Compensations

        I can remember way back when I try very hard to help people with their love lives. I intervene if I can and I always offer advice so that they will end up happy together. I try to be their bridge so they can reach a happy ending. I realized that if I can’t have a happy ending with someone, then at least others will, especially my close friends. I helped them to compensate for my lack of love life. I always thought that I must improve some of my qualities so that I will be able to meet someone who will be able to accept me. But it proved difficult and so I channeled my energies into making my friends happy about their crushes. I always end up in this situation where the people my crushes like are my friends. So I was like the odd one out, overlooked, bro-zoned and sister-zoned. Hahahaha I eventually learned to accept that fact and help them.

        I guess that’s normal human nature where we help others achieve something we feel we can never have. Parents give or provide their children with the things in life that they weren’t able to experience during their younger years. As for me, I give chances in the region of love to my friends so that there’ll be less people having love life problems. How idealistic was I? I labored and talked to each party (without giving much away, just little nudges here and there) and gauge on what plans to make to give them chances for a happy ending. My “love life” back then was in smithereens and I feel that I’m not enough because the guy that I like kinda likes me but it was an on and off thing. One day he likes me, the next he avoids me. That cycle went on and on which made me believe there must be something lacking in me. It made my cynical towards anybody who says they like me. Because of that belief, I had almost given up on finding someone and just accept that maybe I’m meant to live alone. Maybe I will be forever Friend A (watch YOUR LIE IN APRIL for reference) who supports the budding love of my friends. 

       Regardless of the situation, what we lack, what we try to compensate for, we almost always help others in what areas we feel most weak. In them we see the success we wish we had or the achievement we wish we were able to reach.

Let’s talk, shall we?

It’s crazy how we hesitate to contact someone despite having mobile phones to easily reach out to another. I look back at the times when people frantically take turns in the telephone or excitedly call their friend over the telephone when something exciting happened. People make an effort to communicate since the communication tools before are limited. We make an effort to make letters and patiently wait for it to arrive. We took the extra effort knowing it is the only way that our feelings will reach another.

Now, with all the technology so we can easily reach out to another, we hesitate. We upload pictures & videos so we can better show them what we want to convey which is good but it’s become impersonal. We post waiting for someone to react. We scan through our feed and stalk or passively take note of the updates of our friends’ lives. With all the info we can access about other people, we take communicating with them directly for granted. We just browse through their updates instead of asking about them.

Another thing, people are lazy in replying or answering questions about how they’re doing nowadays because they already updated their profile or their timeline. They will put the person asking in the “seenzone” or tell them to refer to his/her timeline for updates. Sometimes they answer but they keep it short since they don’t want to repeat themselves about their updates.

We are so busy with different diversions; different things technology has to offer that we forget the reason why these are invented. Innovations are made so we can better communicate and reach out to others but for the most part, the effect is the opposite. We are so busy with them that we forget to have true communication with our friends.

Of sealed lips & unspoken words

Lingering thoughts

Fragmented words

Left unspoken

Tied up with cords

Yearning to be free

Towards your heart

Towards thee

“Should I ask him?”

Said she

“Should I go to her?”

Queried he

Neither got their fill

For their lips remained sealed

Past peeping at me

I regularly check my emails so that they won’t expire or get cancelled. I first checked my oldest email ad which was actually made by my sister when I needed one way back grade school days. I checked at old messages saved in folders & felt a pang at how much my sister & I exchanged emails. The messages are mostly forwarded kinds but it made me realize how much we emailed each other before especially when she no longer lived in the same city as I. How things changed! To think that they (her family) is planning to move to another country! That’s so far. It was already saddening when they no longer lived in the same city, let alone a different country! Nobody knows what’s gonna happen in the future. We can only hope & do the best that we can in the present.
 

There are also other messages that I found in my inbox; messages from people in the past whom I was close friends with but now seemingly distant. It made me wonder what happened between us, why we became all distant. I suppose I grew out of them or vice versa. Either way we took different paths & were not able to return to the way we used to be unlike some people. Some of us don’t talk anymore or have almost nothing to talk about. I can’t even talk to them or when I DO try to talk to them, they wouldn’t reply to my queries. It’s kind of discouraging to continue to contact them when it’s already obvious that they don’t care as much as I do because if they do have even a bit of concern, they would reply. All I get are “seens” from FB messages I sent to them. So I decided to move on with my life & be content with what I have.

So there, things & people may change but what happened will never change. Mementos that are born from those events will remind us of what was. It will peep at us when we least expect it & send our hearts aching for something that will never come back, that is never the same.

Another one of my old writings that I want to share on this blog. ;) FYI, my sister and her family flew to Australia June last year so this writing was, I guess, months or weeks before their flight.

Abused Generosity

Mother told me this story about an old woman who keeps on visiting our little sari-sari store way before I was born. She would give food to the old woman and ask her about who she is and how she’s doing and where are her relatives. The old woman replied that she’s separated from her family and wants to go home to the province and be reunited with them. My mother, being compassionate, fed her and gave her money so she can return home. Surprisingly the woman kept coming back so my mother wondered why she didn’t return home yet after giving her money. My mom then found out that it was just a modus operandi. The old woman actually lives nearby and tells stories about returning home so she can ask for money and be given free food. My mother was terribly hurt over being deceived. After that my mother became cautious of people who are asking money to go home to his or her family. Mother just wishes that whatever assistance she gave that old woman; she put it to good use.

This is another old writeup I composed. I forget when exactly but I think I was still in college or about to graduate or a fresh grad.

Time, a playful character

I went up to our 2^nd floor view deck to turn over my pillow that I “soaked” under the sun. I suddenly caught a glimpse of the sky through the tinted glass of sister’s old room. Wow. It transported me back in time. I suddenly thought, “How many years had passed since that day, since those days? So many things had changed. I’m no longer 14 or 15. I’m 21!” I just realized how fast time flew by. It seems only yesterday that I was contemplating about my feelings for someone. Now, that person is not as significant as before… Time can do almost anything with one’s life! I suddenly felt the need to pause time. To slow down and let me assess things. Day by day, it feels the same but when I look back now, a lot had changed. A lot had happened. I looked at the church in front of our house and remembered the days when it was not yet built. The place was an open lot and I learned how to ride a bike there. I looked back at the closed windows & remembered the countless times I played with sister there. Now she’s already married and has a baby! I looked down at the mosaic-square design of the tiles on our view deck floor. I remembered the old house and how it was broken down and renovated. The place was so dusty and we had to jam ourselves in one room while the house was being fixed. I remembered haunting the “ruins” of the house at night when the workers had gone while imagining what it would look like when it’s done. Looking so far back, a lot did change and happen. I didn’t notice it before because I was busy moving forward all the time. Now I have time for myself because I’m waiting for calls from offices I plan to work for. I realized I’m really not a kid anymore. I didn’t really reflect or thought about me getting older. I wonder what my kid me and present me talk about if they’ll meet? It’s curious! I also realized that trees that I rarely notice & rather took for granted slapped me the knowledge of how many years had already passed. I stood on a part of the yard where I know I can see a patch of the sky without contact from the sun. It’s a cool & shady place because it has lots of plants. The trees there as I had known them were not enough to cover that patch of sky. I stood there again this afternoon & to my surprise I can no longer see the sky. Branches & leaves of trees have woven themselves together & covered the sky. I realized how big they’ve grown! Trees grow gradually thus I don’t really notice their progress so it took me by surprise when I realize they’ve really grown tall & big. So much time has passed since I lazed around… Time is indeed very playful! It catches you unawares!

I wrote this quite a long time ago but I decided I want to include it here. I have other old writings I want to publish here soon. :)

Loving you is red

    Falling in love is both a beautiful and mysterious thing. It makes you feel different kinds of emotions all because of one person… but that is also the reason why it’s scary. You get to learn different things about yourself, both good and bad. You realize you can actually sacrifice something for another person or you can be so selfish that you scare yourself. How can another existence be of so much importance to your mood? Your decisions? Falling in love can make even the most logical person make illogical decisions. You miss the person despite the fact that you just said goodbye. I mean, how crazy can that be? You get used to having this person around that a sudden change in routine will make you flip 180 degrees… or maybe that’s just me. Hahahaha.


    Anyway, here’s an example of how it affects your mood: You walk and then you casually greet the person like any other friend and you get ignored. You act that it doesn’t bother you but inside you did a 180 degree flip from happy-sappy to grumpy. Just like that, the person affects you. And the usual “love songs suddenly make sense” or “this song really speaks to me about my love life right now!” and all that s%$#@. Hahaha.
 
    I’m the kind of person who wants to keep my real feelings in check but somehow this one person upset the apple cart and I’m left running after the scattered apples and trying my best to retrieve them all and arrange them neatly on my cart. To be honest, until now I’m still looking for the other pieces and trying to get my equilibrium back. It was crazy because I met him during a strange time in my life. Before I knew it, he crept into my life and was stubborn enough to stay… for now and hopefully for good? Naaaah. I’m still trying to figure out about how exactly I feel for him. His qualities are the ones that I don’t exactly look for in a person but he has endearing qualities that would fluster a tsundere like me. I won’t know what to say or how to respond properly for fear that it might not be true so I end up retorting mean words at him.
 
    I don’t know what will happen, everything feels like a dream sometimes… However.. I hope that it will all make sense and every imbalance feeling, crazy decisions & YOLO moments will all be worth it.

My last thoughts before hitting the sack... :|

This salt cellar taught me more about life than my friends' advices. XD