Dreams and fears go hand in hand

photo source

 "If you’re not scared, it’s not big enough.” - Unknown

This sentence didn’t hold much meaning for me until that one milestone happened in my life. I never wanted anything as much as I wanted that thus the amount of fear I feel is directly proportional to how much I want it.

I’ve been waiting for that chance for a long time, it aches. I wanted it so much to come true and for things to fall into place around it. No matter what happens, I have no regrets in taking that chance and that everything for it is worth the consequences I might face.

As far as I can remember, I wanted things without exercising this much effort. My attitude was more like, if it’s for me, then okay, if not, I will move on. This time, my soul felt like it was being ripped from the strong want I feel. This time I made every effort so I have no regrets in seizing this chance with both hands and that’s why I fear so much. I fear that I will be devastated. I fear that in the end, the one thing I want won’t be given to me. What if it will be given to me and yet things won’t work out and I will end up letting it go not because I didn’t earn it but because of external forces stopping me from fully embracing my current greatest wish!

I know I shouldn’t overthink and my mom tells me this is just an exercise on my emotions. She believes I’ve been through life barely scathed and have it easy that’s why I need all the preparation I can get for more treacherous waters ahead. I shudder to think how this can be easy compared to future turbulence. However, I go through day by day and doing my best to put it at the back of my mind and lock it inside a dark drawer. I need to function as best I could and appear that I’m not fazed by anything.  I know everyone is facing a battle that befits their current situation and my problem is not unique. This should give me comfort and on most days it does, however there are just teeny moments when that anxiety seeps from the dark drawer where it belongs. I squash it immediately before it distracts me further.

For us who are going through a situation wherein we don’t know what to do or how to manoeuvre our way to “cushion” pitfalls, let’s just repeat this mantra, “I’ll cross the bridge when I get there... I’ll cross the bridge when I get there.” It may not be of much help in the actual situation but it helps your psyche. Keeping a calm mind and a good head on your shoulders is important to your health so that you’ll be in good shape when the boat is rocked. So let’s keep the faith and support each other whatever we decide to do with our lives.

Settling

"There are many things that can keep you in a relationship," he says. His eyes are begging me to listen. "Fear of being alone. Fear of disrupting the arrangement of your life. A decision to settle for something that's okay, because you don't know if you can get any better. Or maybe there's the irrational belief that it will get better, even if you know he won't change."

 - David Levithan, Another Day

photo source

 THIS. This conversation in the book hit me hard. Settling.. A is making Rhiannon see that she's just settling with Justin. I think I was a Rhiannon back then. Not total hopeless Rhiannon but I settled because I feared that I will never have a relationship better that I had back then. I made excuses for every mistake and the line between right and wrong blurred. My friends were warning me and I know the logical part of my brain is shouting to my heart that enough is enough.

It took me a while though before I finally made up my mind to let go. To see and believe reason and to keep believing that better things are coming. It wasn't easy. I was afraid at first but the freedom I felt after I finally decided to CHOOSE ME was exhilarating. Of course, I faced repercussions and the ire of quite a number of people but I was moving forward. I left it all behind and that was one of the best decisions I ever made.

In the end, you choose yourself because only you will face the consequences of your decisions. Not them, who can only give you advice on what they think is best and not having to suffer for the consequences. I hope this time I'm not just settling. I hope this time I'm not backsliding to the dark pit I once was in. 

Thoughts # 16

photo source

The catch about having a partner who doesn’t care about how you look (you don’t have to dress up/wear makeup or doesn’t care if you dye your hair in rainbow colors) is that you’re not sure if he really loves you deeper than your looks or he simply doesn’t care.

Thoughts # 5

I suddenly understand why some people are afraid of happiness… because something is bound to happen that will even out the good things that are happening.

My thunderstorm

Aren’t thunderstorms fascinating?

They render me speechless

Surprised beyond words

I am stilled by its dangerous beauty

Entranced I stare

The dangers pushed at

The dark corners of my mind

Not minding my own safety

Much like you

My instincts smell pain

My mind tells me to be cautious

But I can’t help myself

I just stare as I get closer

Closer until I’m on your path

Unaware of when you’ll strike

Insecurities

 

photo source

 

Sometimes we wonder how important we are to someone. We want to know the depth of their feelings towards us. Even if they reassure us, we still have this insecurity inside us knowing how feelings change. We are forever afraid that the person who said we are the apple of their eyes is the same person who will throw us away like rotten apples.