Thoughts # 24

I long for the day when someone will look into my eyes & see the depths. See them & not be confused. See them & not fear. Look into them & appreciate the dancing thoughts in my soul. The dark abyss of terrors & the sparkling air of blue skies & sweet scented meadows. Oh when will that day come?

Thoughts # 23

I stare at the gloomy clouds... its dark & foreboding underbellies reminding me of all the wrong decisions I made. The wisps curling & sluggishly moving towards a destination I have no part. My spirit joining the clouds the moment you broke my heart.

Thoughts # 22

Use objects as objects & treat people as persons. Don't mix them up. Never. It's often the case nowadays & it's the cause of many heartaches.

Shutdown

The only way for me to survive pain is to shut it all out. Any feeling or affection would only get in the way. If my love remains, the pain would be too great for me to bear. Better to be cold than in pain.

Silence can kill

As venomous silence followed venomous silence,

poison spread in her heart;

turning it black by the second.

Any affection left was cast out to the darkness.

Settling

"There are many things that can keep you in a relationship," he says. His eyes are begging me to listen. "Fear of being alone. Fear of disrupting the arrangement of your life. A decision to settle for something that's okay, because you don't know if you can get any better. Or maybe there's the irrational belief that it will get better, even if you know he won't change."

 - David Levithan, Another Day

photo source

 THIS. This conversation in the book hit me hard. Settling.. A is making Rhiannon see that she's just settling with Justin. I think I was a Rhiannon back then. Not total hopeless Rhiannon but I settled because I feared that I will never have a relationship better that I had back then. I made excuses for every mistake and the line between right and wrong blurred. My friends were warning me and I know the logical part of my brain is shouting to my heart that enough is enough.

It took me a while though before I finally made up my mind to let go. To see and believe reason and to keep believing that better things are coming. It wasn't easy. I was afraid at first but the freedom I felt after I finally decided to CHOOSE ME was exhilarating. Of course, I faced repercussions and the ire of quite a number of people but I was moving forward. I left it all behind and that was one of the best decisions I ever made.

In the end, you choose yourself because only you will face the consequences of your decisions. Not them, who can only give you advice on what they think is best and not having to suffer for the consequences. I hope this time I'm not just settling. I hope this time I'm not backsliding to the dark pit I once was in. 

Struggle for acceptance

As teenagers, we peg heartbreaks as related to romantic relationships between a girl and a boy. However, as we grow older, heartbreaks come in different shapes and sizes. The diversity of heartbreaks also comes with the diversity of how and when it will heal.

Dealing with heartbreaks can be very messy. It can also be a trap! Just when you thought you moved on and BAM! An incident, a connection to the past, a mannerism, an activity that is closely linked with who you were and you land back to square one. It’s frustrating how you have to climb your way up again... away from the “depths of despair” as Anne Shirley described it.

Heartbreaks can range from the usual boy-girl relationship to family issues, broken friendships and the choices we make. We jump into the opportunity right before us, only to find ourselves in a minefield of confusion and doubt. Extricating ourselves from the said minefield is next to impossible with the adult life we’re leading. 

Different heartbreaks have different ways of dealing with the pain and finally road to healing. However, they seem to have a common denominator: stay away from triggers. From past relationships, I didn’t have much experience with triggers. Maybe because my feelings died even before the breakup happened thus little to no trauma happened. For the first time, I experienced a pain in my chest greater than any romantic relationship heartbreak... and this time, triggers introduced themselves to me. For the first time, I am able to say that moving is not easy and it takes time and effort. Effort not to wallow in self-pity and sadness because it will ruin everything. It won’t help and it will slow down your recovery.

I can’t say I’m an expert because I’m still in the “struggle for acceptance” stage. I’m still moving on. I’m even frustrated at myself because I feel like it’s taking me too long to move on and start the healing process. I was even caught in a trap! I believed that I finally moved on when I did something that triggered the heartbreak. Hey, I didn’t recognize it for a trigger and realized it only too late. I actually cried and it felt like the first time all over again. That’s when my reflection about moving on started. About how it’s not as easy as I thought it would be.

Am I too hard on myself? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is I wanna get out of this hellish place and enjoy what I’ve got and fast. However, my journey has only begun. I may get the impression that I’ve moved on towards healing but something may trigger those painful feelings & memories again.

I admit I am wary but I am also doing my best to enjoy the present. Just baby steps but at least moving forward. Living one day at a time. A huge adjustment but I’ll get there. I’ll be okay and when I look back, I’ll be able to smile & say, “I made it. I never thought I could but I did.” To others who are having the same experience, let’s not give up, okay? We’ll get there in our own time.

Thoughts # 15

Sometimes all you need is a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear that would sympathize with you and rub your back and try their best to offer what they could to make you feel better. I like these kinds of people who, even if they don’t have much, would do their best to cheer you up. People that would build other people instead of breaking them.

The heart wants what it wants

Looking far away
To lands she feels she belongs
Her feelings are a-sway
Following her thoughts along

O weary heart, how to ease your pain?
You think that what you’re feeling
To others quite mundane
To them you are just complaining

Aching heart

Thrown in an alien place, she stumbled in the dark. Whispers and confused faces speculating how she’ll fare. She stretches her hands in the hope of salvation.

She looks forward to the time when she’ll see his face. The face that instantly relieves the aches and pains of her body. If only she can spend more time with him. If only she can spend nights with him to fill that wanting hollow inside.

Not lovelife related but still love

It pains me to hold on to something that already let me go. But that's irrational, love always is & that's why I end up getting hurt.

Rebel girl

The wind whipped her hair across her face. She heeded them not for she felt like her hair got its personality from her. No matter how much she ties it back, tendrils always escape from the buns to hang loosely about her face and neck. Rebel hair just like its owner who would never condone to being controlled or bound. However, life has its way of getting to you and this girl found her heart wrapped around a certain boy’s finger. A boy she hated and loved at the same time. Hated him for how he made her feel; how bound she felt to him. But alas! Love can’t be foreseen nor can it be stopped.

Photo post # 6

photo source

The struggle is real.

Walang time

photo source

"Malayo na sana narating ng Adventure naten, kaso biglang nawalan ka na ng Time." 

Words and Artwork by Neil Johannes Botor

Sometimes I feel like we no longer have time for each other. I mean, it's not the same as before when we can just randomly go off on a trip and forget about our worries and realities. But now, it seems like the stress of everyday life is pressing on us and we don't even do anything to relieve ourselves from it like our "recharge" trips to little havens within the city. I dunno, maybe I'm the only one who feels this way but it's eating me up. It's probably due to added stress caused by frustrations and uncertainty towards the future. Rest assured it's not a future with you that I'm uncertain about but the path that I'm taking. I guess it's taking its toll on me and we're both getting busy. I just hope you realize sooner how much we needed a break from all this. I'm hoping you'll see and feel all this from my perspective and not just someone who sympathizes with my demise. I need you to empathize. I can't say all this to you because I know I sound selfish and I know you're working hard for the future. All I can hope is that you'll also see it my way.

Thoughts # 7

“Patawad sa lahat ng patawad na hindi nakapagtama ng mali,

nakapag-ulit ng natapos,

nakabawi ng nasayang,

o nakapawi ng sakit.

Patawad dahil ang tanging naibigay ay

patawad lang.” —Hana O.

Photo from yaraelarini’s ig

For some reason, I really find it hard to say sorry when I feel like I did nothing wrong and I'm also hurt in the process. I guess I have a high sense of "self preservation" wherein I must save my feelings first before thinking if I also hurt the person. I better do something about it.

Thoughts # 6

Masakit isipin na yung akala mo buo pa, yun pala wala na.

Photograph and Words by : Mayel Tapic

Missing someone

“I miss you terribly… do you feel the same way?”

A sentence she couldn’t have uttered because of her pride. But pride has no place in a heart so lonely & cold. Her ghostly hands reaching for that which she cannot touch.

Potential breakup letter

      It’s strange how you have this gut feeling in your stomach when you know something’s about to change or end. The wind feels weird and you get these strange insights in your head about possibilities and circumstances where that person is no longer in the picture.

     Everything feels dry around them and trying to bring back what was is only a struggle. Nothing feels right anymore and all you want is escape. A time to think. A hopeless feeling at the pit of your stomach.

     Somehow a little flame inside insists that you must keep on trying. That maybe something will change for the better. But the more you try to push it, the more it changes for the worst until you’re all dried up inside. You throw your hands to the heavens in exasperation and curl up and wish that you were somewhere else but here. That you can go somewhere, some place to forget. To start anew. To turn a new leaf. To meet new people. Back to square one where no one knows you and you can easily recreate yourself, putting the past behind you. How wonderful and easy if that is financially possible.

     I weep for a place I know not. I mourn for a me that would have been born if I had that chance of flying over yonder. My heart grieves for a wonderful future thwarted from me by life, by circumstances, by the merciless barriers of language. How unkind that I get a glimpse of something wonderful only to be taken away from me by the black hands of the inevitable. I wish I could just disappear with that thwarted future, in a place where all broken dreams go.

Hershey’s Happygram Sorry

        

I’m just happy and a little touched right now because my partner & I got into a fight because of my quick temper. Still, he said sorry first and it made my heart melt. I know my pride is really..ugh.. nevermind. So it is quite difficult for me to say sorry and admit my mistakes and I hate it when he points it out. However, he said sorry even though I sparked the fight which for me shows that he values our relationship over pride or pointing out who is right. Thank you!

Just like what the Beldam said in Coraline:

“They say even the proudest spirit can be broken… with love.”

Drip drop

The sound of rain

Drip drop it sang
Pattering against the roof
Burbling against the plants
Sloshing along the uneven stones

I roll over & cover myself in sheets
Keeping me warm
Embracing me, protecting me from the cold
But it felt impersonal, inhuman
Why am I harboring such silly thoughts?

I know that these sheets are all the comfort I can get
Why entertain thoughts of your embrace?
When I know that my voice cannot reach you
Why do I let loneliness squeeze my heart?
Drip drop answered the rain