Thoughts # 21

Choosing between two lovers is like choosing your poison.

Thoughts # 20

Look at her… I mean really look at her when she talks about things she is passionate about. The things she burns for. You’ll see how brightly she shines.

Photo post 15

I just need to let these feelings out to the point that I made a textgram out of it. (ᕗ ಠ︡益︠ಠ︠)ᕗ︵ ┻┻

Struggle for acceptance

As teenagers, we peg heartbreaks as related to romantic relationships between a girl and a boy. However, as we grow older, heartbreaks come in different shapes and sizes. The diversity of heartbreaks also comes with the diversity of how and when it will heal.

Dealing with heartbreaks can be very messy. It can also be a trap! Just when you thought you moved on and BAM! An incident, a connection to the past, a mannerism, an activity that is closely linked with who you were and you land back to square one. It’s frustrating how you have to climb your way up again... away from the “depths of despair” as Anne Shirley described it.

Heartbreaks can range from the usual boy-girl relationship to family issues, broken friendships and the choices we make. We jump into the opportunity right before us, only to find ourselves in a minefield of confusion and doubt. Extricating ourselves from the said minefield is next to impossible with the adult life we’re leading. 

Different heartbreaks have different ways of dealing with the pain and finally road to healing. However, they seem to have a common denominator: stay away from triggers. From past relationships, I didn’t have much experience with triggers. Maybe because my feelings died even before the breakup happened thus little to no trauma happened. For the first time, I experienced a pain in my chest greater than any romantic relationship heartbreak... and this time, triggers introduced themselves to me. For the first time, I am able to say that moving is not easy and it takes time and effort. Effort not to wallow in self-pity and sadness because it will ruin everything. It won’t help and it will slow down your recovery.

I can’t say I’m an expert because I’m still in the “struggle for acceptance” stage. I’m still moving on. I’m even frustrated at myself because I feel like it’s taking me too long to move on and start the healing process. I was even caught in a trap! I believed that I finally moved on when I did something that triggered the heartbreak. Hey, I didn’t recognize it for a trigger and realized it only too late. I actually cried and it felt like the first time all over again. That’s when my reflection about moving on started. About how it’s not as easy as I thought it would be.

Am I too hard on myself? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is I wanna get out of this hellish place and enjoy what I’ve got and fast. However, my journey has only begun. I may get the impression that I’ve moved on towards healing but something may trigger those painful feelings & memories again.

I admit I am wary but I am also doing my best to enjoy the present. Just baby steps but at least moving forward. Living one day at a time. A huge adjustment but I’ll get there. I’ll be okay and when I look back, I’ll be able to smile & say, “I made it. I never thought I could but I did.” To others who are having the same experience, let’s not give up, okay? We’ll get there in our own time.

Aching heart

Thrown in an alien place, she stumbled in the dark. Whispers and confused faces speculating how she’ll fare. She stretches her hands in the hope of salvation.

She looks forward to the time when she’ll see his face. The face that instantly relieves the aches and pains of her body. If only she can spend more time with him. If only she can spend nights with him to fill that wanting hollow inside.

Not lovelife related but still love

It pains me to hold on to something that already let me go. But that's irrational, love always is & that's why I end up getting hurt.

Rebel girl

The wind whipped her hair across her face. She heeded them not for she felt like her hair got its personality from her. No matter how much she ties it back, tendrils always escape from the buns to hang loosely about her face and neck. Rebel hair just like its owner who would never condone to being controlled or bound. However, life has its way of getting to you and this girl found her heart wrapped around a certain boy’s finger. A boy she hated and loved at the same time. Hated him for how he made her feel; how bound she felt to him. But alas! Love can’t be foreseen nor can it be stopped.

Thoughts # 12

"Men broke so much more quickly. Grief didn’t break women. Instead it wore them down, it hollowed them out, very slowly."

-Cornelia Funke 

 

I never thought of it this way but now it makes sense...

 

Thoughts # 11

 It's crazy at times when you think you can "rattle the stars" and feel so strong that you feel no one can crumble your resolve and the next minute you just wanna crawl in a corner and feel depressed about the bad things that are happening.

Walang time

photo source

"Malayo na sana narating ng Adventure naten, kaso biglang nawalan ka na ng Time." 

Words and Artwork by Neil Johannes Botor

Sometimes I feel like we no longer have time for each other. I mean, it's not the same as before when we can just randomly go off on a trip and forget about our worries and realities. But now, it seems like the stress of everyday life is pressing on us and we don't even do anything to relieve ourselves from it like our "recharge" trips to little havens within the city. I dunno, maybe I'm the only one who feels this way but it's eating me up. It's probably due to added stress caused by frustrations and uncertainty towards the future. Rest assured it's not a future with you that I'm uncertain about but the path that I'm taking. I guess it's taking its toll on me and we're both getting busy. I just hope you realize sooner how much we needed a break from all this. I'm hoping you'll see and feel all this from my perspective and not just someone who sympathizes with my demise. I need you to empathize. I can't say all this to you because I know I sound selfish and I know you're working hard for the future. All I can hope is that you'll also see it my way.

Song of nostalgia

        Do you remember? I don’t know if it was the first but I was sure it was one of those first moments when we had the time to ourselves. It was raining heavily, the pitter-patter of rain on the roof of your car and the raindrops streaked through the windshield and windows like falling tears. I may not remember what we did before and how you ended up taking me home. Probably because it was raining and I was running late for dinner. We were quiet and careful with our words, not wanting to disturb the moment. Then this song came up and you said it was your favorite. I couldn’t guess what it was but it sounds really nice and melancholic, brimming with earnest love. You didn’t tell me the title then and you left me guessing, my eyebrows meeting at the center and my face scrunched in thought. I finally guessed the artist. We both smiled and let the song envelope us. I finally heard the full song on the days that followed and learned the title.

        Until now, I secretly love that song despite people repeatedly playing it until it makes me and most people sick. I hate hearing it when played on radios or by other people but I love listening to it secretly on my own. I know it’s weird but the song takes me back to the time when we were still carefully feeling our steps towards each other, prodding each other’s barriers gently until we can finally reach out to each other.

Of fears on being in love

“What’s it like to be in love?” May asked.

Lucy’s smile was sad. “It’s the most wonderful and terrible thing that can ever happen to you,” she said simply.

“You know that you’ve found something amazing, and you want to hold on to it forever, and every second after you have it, you fear the moment you might lose it.”

 

        This has been my path every since I started my current relationship. I'm not saying I never feared losing my past boyfriends when we were together but this time it feels different. I'm more scared than I was before and I feel this is more fragile compared to the others. I can totally relate to what Lucy said about "...every second after you have it, you fear the moment you might lose it." I'm torn between simply saying what's on my mind and doing what I want to do and controlling what I say out loud to avoid conflict when the atmosphere is charged with tension. For the most part, I say things before I think and it usually ends in arguments. I am being reminded that I should be sensitive to the people around me, especially those close to me so that I won't unnecessarily hurt their feelings. I also have to lower my pride a notch. After all, pride can't hug me back. Hahaha kidding! A healthy amount of pride is okay (I guess) for self preservation but an unhealthy level of pride sure ruins relationships. If I don't want to lose this relationship (you have no idea...or maybe you do.. on how much I want this to work) then I must adjust, too. I will keep being myself but also be sensitive to his feelings so that we can stay in harmony. Or if I have concerns, I better phrase them properly to avoid misunderstandings that cause conflicts.

Sadness issues

"You are never too young or too mature to be so sad. Your distress is not less than somebody else's just because they seem to have been through more. No matter what triggers you, if you are hurting, your suffering is important. Regardless of how stupid or trivial you may think the reason is, if you feel down, do not be afraid or embarrassed to reach out. You do not need to prove or spell out your depression to the world in order to be cared for. Most often, silence is more dangerous than scars. If somebody says you don't look exhausted, tired or disturbed enough, please ask them to go screw themselves. Nobody gets to tell you how much heartache or agony is 'enough' for you to finally start seeking help. Do not ever be ashamed of asking for attention. Remember, your pain is valid. You are significant."

- Teresa A. Braggs

Oftentimes I feel that my grief should be justified. That if I feel sad for something, it should be great enough so I'll have the right to feel sad or to just stop being happy and wallow in sadness. To feel the negative emotion in order for me to release it and take a step towards recovery. People always compare their hardships to mine which makes mine sound insignificant. I feel that I lost the right to be sad because others have it worse which results to me bottling it all up. I won't be able to release it. This bottled up negativity will suddenly explode under the slight hint of pressure or another "tragedy" that results into further conflict or misunderstanding with the people who triggered it. 

You're my freak

"You're a classical cellist whose parents are old punk rockers. You're a total freak. But you're my freak."

- Adam, Where She Went

This line from Where She Went made me smile because it reminds of the times my partner calls me funny names and adds, “But you’re my <insert insulting/funny name here>.” It’s cheesy and all but it still makes my heart flutter.

 I’m currently reading Where She Went and I’m hooked. The story of If I Stay and Where She Went is sad and tragic but not in a heavy way. You know how depressing their situation is but it’s told in a way that doesn’t make you feel sad in a bad way. It’s a hopeful kind of sad. I can’t totally explain it but the movie felt heavier compared to the book. The drama and emotions felt heavy in the movie compared to the book. I like it all the same and I’m looking forward to unraveling the story in Where She Went

Gigil

"I thought of the tuning fork I used to adjust my cello. Hitting it sets off vibrations in the note of A - vibrations that keep growing, and growing, until the harmonic pitch fills up the room. That's what Adam's grin was doing to me during dinner.”

-Mia, If I Stay

 

         I think I can imagine how Mia feels when she described how Adam makes her feel. I can’t quite put it into words what I sometimes feel for CJ but I guess this part does. Mostly though it’s more like a warm, swelling feeling inside that makes me burst with love for the person. Other times I have this strong urge to sink my teeth on his squishy flesh because I feel gigil over him. Is that crazy?

Thoughts # 8

“Document the moments you feel most in love with yourself - what you’re wearing, who you’re around, what you’re doing. Recreate and repeat. - Warsan Shire”

Painting by The Art of Corrie Chiswell

 

Another explanation why I love taking pictures. Every detail, every part of the memory or moment must be captured. I can't trust my memory because it tends to create images or scenarios in my head that I want to happen instead of what exactly happened. So as not to miss what really happened and the little details, I snap photos to crystallize those images.

Missing someone

“I miss you terribly… do you feel the same way?”

A sentence she couldn’t have uttered because of her pride. But pride has no place in a heart so lonely & cold. Her ghostly hands reaching for that which she cannot touch.

My thunderstorm

Aren’t thunderstorms fascinating?

They render me speechless

Surprised beyond words

I am stilled by its dangerous beauty

Entranced I stare

The dangers pushed at

The dark corners of my mind

Not minding my own safety

Much like you

My instincts smell pain

My mind tells me to be cautious

But I can’t help myself

I just stare as I get closer

Closer until I’m on your path

Unaware of when you’ll strike

Of pride and barriers

       She held her pride like shields over a sensitive heart. Her high-strung nature reinforces the barriers for she feels too deeply for her own good. Her fancies color her world with pastel colors & faerie land on good days… but paints her domain scarlet & pitch during turbulence.

        She has yet to learn that the very shields that protect her from harm, are the very things that would hinder her ultimate happiness.