Dreams and fears go hand in hand

photo source

 "If you’re not scared, it’s not big enough.” - Unknown

This sentence didn’t hold much meaning for me until that one milestone happened in my life. I never wanted anything as much as I wanted that thus the amount of fear I feel is directly proportional to how much I want it.

I’ve been waiting for that chance for a long time, it aches. I wanted it so much to come true and for things to fall into place around it. No matter what happens, I have no regrets in taking that chance and that everything for it is worth the consequences I might face.

As far as I can remember, I wanted things without exercising this much effort. My attitude was more like, if it’s for me, then okay, if not, I will move on. This time, my soul felt like it was being ripped from the strong want I feel. This time I made every effort so I have no regrets in seizing this chance with both hands and that’s why I fear so much. I fear that I will be devastated. I fear that in the end, the one thing I want won’t be given to me. What if it will be given to me and yet things won’t work out and I will end up letting it go not because I didn’t earn it but because of external forces stopping me from fully embracing my current greatest wish!

I know I shouldn’t overthink and my mom tells me this is just an exercise on my emotions. She believes I’ve been through life barely scathed and have it easy that’s why I need all the preparation I can get for more treacherous waters ahead. I shudder to think how this can be easy compared to future turbulence. However, I go through day by day and doing my best to put it at the back of my mind and lock it inside a dark drawer. I need to function as best I could and appear that I’m not fazed by anything.  I know everyone is facing a battle that befits their current situation and my problem is not unique. This should give me comfort and on most days it does, however there are just teeny moments when that anxiety seeps from the dark drawer where it belongs. I squash it immediately before it distracts me further.

For us who are going through a situation wherein we don’t know what to do or how to manoeuvre our way to “cushion” pitfalls, let’s just repeat this mantra, “I’ll cross the bridge when I get there... I’ll cross the bridge when I get there.” It may not be of much help in the actual situation but it helps your psyche. Keeping a calm mind and a good head on your shoulders is important to your health so that you’ll be in good shape when the boat is rocked. So let’s keep the faith and support each other whatever we decide to do with our lives.

Relationship goals # 10

Reach for our dreams side by side. We may have different paths and goals but we face the same direction: forward. 

Towards a future together.

photo source

My journey so far as a photo hobbyist

        Photography... It’s something that almost everyone took up especially with the availability of DSLRs and the trend that anybody can take good pictures as long as they have a good camera. I personally like taking pictures and I take photography as a hobby since high school. No, I don’t have a DSLR nor a competent camera. Just enough to capture moments although a good camera would be a big plus. So this is me basically telling you the story of how I became interested in taking photos. DISCLAIMER: I’m not a photographer and I can’t claim to be because I have a lot to learn. My pictures are mostly “rough” and needs lots of fine tuning. 

        Anyway, I started when I was in high school. I used my phone’s camera in taking anything that I find interesting. Stolen pictures of people that show priceless moments (to the annoyance of the people involved because they weren’t portrayed “beautifully”), nature (most of the time!), animals, things that have sentimental value. Anything that I want to capture. An anime that I watched at the time added fuel to the fire burning inside. Windy Tales was the title of the anime. It portrayed a high school/middle school girl who uses her digital camera to capture moods of the sky, the leaves, nature and any random stuff. Her photos are mostly of the sky which inspired me that time so YES I HAVE LOTS OF SKY PHOTOS UNTIL NOW.

Windy Tales (photo source)

        My interest grew until college where I was able to meet people also interested in taking photos. Eventually I was the one using the family camera so I got to bring it along and take better snaps. It was fun learning and experimenting with other people and we get to compare notes. My friends advanced and got better cameras while I was stuck with an old point and shoot digital camera. I didn’t mind it back then because I was still able to take good shots. I kept believing that even with the technical setback, my shots were pretty okay since they were full of feeling and emotions.

        However, there was a time that I became too conscious with the technical stuff that I no longer appreciate most of my shots. I always compare myself to others, especially my sister, and I end up being discouraged. I look back and wonder how I can take good shots before with just a simple digital camera compared to the present where I use a better digital camera. I want to rekindle that fire of taking pictures with a pure intent of capturing the moment instead of competing with other people and being TOO WORRIED about the rules which ruins the mood.

       Until now, I’m still coming to terms with this issue of thinking, “If only I have a better camera…” or “If only I’m as good as they are...” I SHOULD APPRECIATE MY SHOTS and compete with myself to improve myself. Other people should inspire me to do better instead of discourage me. I should go back to the main reason why I love taking pictures and that is to CRYSTALLIZE memories. I own the moment I took a photo of. I captured it and it is mine to keep. Nothing happens at the same time twice so that moment is for me to immortalize.

        I’m also thankful that I watched the Tamayura series (all sequels of this anime plus waiting for the upcoming movies) because it featured a school girl who loves capturing moments and isn’t discouraged by her amateur shots. She fills her album with memories of her friends caught in action. The photos are not perfect but they were full of the feelings of the people involved which makes the shots beautiful in their own way.

Tamayura (photo source)

        I have far to go when it comes to improving my shots but I’m on my way. One baby step at a time… Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps. I just have to keep in mind my reason for taking up photography as a hobby. I may not become a professional or I may not be able to compete with others but I have memories to keep and moments to own. I’ll have mementos.

Lie with me

Wouldn’t it be nice?

To turn & see you

Sleeping oh so peacefully

Beside me in sheets bathed in

Early morning sun

Dreams undisturbed by

The chaos of the outside world

I will cherish dearly

This pause in time

This calm before the storm