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This
sentence didn’t hold much meaning for me until that one milestone happened in
my life. I never wanted anything as much as I wanted that thus the amount of
fear I feel is directly proportional to how much I want it.
I’ve been
waiting for that chance for a long time, it aches. I wanted it so much to come
true and for things to fall into place around it. No matter what happens, I
have no regrets in taking that chance and that everything for it is worth the
consequences I might face.
As far as
I can remember, I wanted things without exercising this much effort. My
attitude was more like, if it’s for me, then okay, if not, I will move on. This
time, my soul felt like it was being ripped from the strong want I feel. This
time I made every effort so I have no regrets in seizing this chance with both
hands and that’s why I fear so much. I fear that I will be devastated. I fear
that in the end, the one thing I want won’t be given to me. What if it will be
given to me and yet things won’t work out and I will end up letting it go not
because I didn’t earn it but because of external forces stopping me from fully
embracing my current greatest wish!
I know I
shouldn’t overthink and my mom tells me this is just an exercise on my
emotions. She believes I’ve been through life barely scathed and have it easy
that’s why I need all the preparation I can get for more treacherous waters
ahead. I shudder to think how this can be easy compared to future turbulence.
However, I go through day by day and doing my best to put it at the back of my
mind and lock it inside a dark drawer. I need to function as best I could and
appear that I’m not fazed by anything. I
know everyone is facing a battle that befits their current situation and my
problem is not unique. This should give me comfort and on most days it does,
however there are just teeny moments when that anxiety seeps from the dark
drawer where it belongs. I squash it immediately before it distracts me
further.
For us
who are going through a situation wherein we don’t know what to do or how to
manoeuvre our way to “cushion” pitfalls, let’s just repeat this mantra, “I’ll
cross the bridge when I get there... I’ll cross the bridge when I get there.”
It may not be of much help in the actual situation but it helps your psyche. Keeping
a calm mind and a good head on your shoulders is important to your health so
that you’ll be in good shape when the boat is rocked. So let’s keep the faith
and support each other whatever we decide to do with our lives.
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