Compensations

        I can remember way back when I try very hard to help people with their love lives. I intervene if I can and I always offer advice so that they will end up happy together. I try to be their bridge so they can reach a happy ending. I realized that if I can’t have a happy ending with someone, then at least others will, especially my close friends. I helped them to compensate for my lack of love life. I always thought that I must improve some of my qualities so that I will be able to meet someone who will be able to accept me. But it proved difficult and so I channeled my energies into making my friends happy about their crushes. I always end up in this situation where the people my crushes like are my friends. So I was like the odd one out, overlooked, bro-zoned and sister-zoned. Hahahaha I eventually learned to accept that fact and help them.

        I guess that’s normal human nature where we help others achieve something we feel we can never have. Parents give or provide their children with the things in life that they weren’t able to experience during their younger years. As for me, I give chances in the region of love to my friends so that there’ll be less people having love life problems. How idealistic was I? I labored and talked to each party (without giving much away, just little nudges here and there) and gauge on what plans to make to give them chances for a happy ending. My “love life” back then was in smithereens and I feel that I’m not enough because the guy that I like kinda likes me but it was an on and off thing. One day he likes me, the next he avoids me. That cycle went on and on which made me believe there must be something lacking in me. It made my cynical towards anybody who says they like me. Because of that belief, I had almost given up on finding someone and just accept that maybe I’m meant to live alone. Maybe I will be forever Friend A (watch YOUR LIE IN APRIL for reference) who supports the budding love of my friends. 

       Regardless of the situation, what we lack, what we try to compensate for, we almost always help others in what areas we feel most weak. In them we see the success we wish we had or the achievement we wish we were able to reach.

Clingy love

        Never be afraid to express your feelings to the person you love. Don’t be afraid that he or she can’t take in what you have to say or how you feel. If that person is the one for you, he or she can handle your thoughts and feelings. No matter how enormous, how selfish and clingy your love is, that person can handle it. He or she can contain it and return it. If he or she can’t, then that person isn’t the one.

Let’s talk, shall we?

It’s crazy how we hesitate to contact someone despite having mobile phones to easily reach out to another. I look back at the times when people frantically take turns in the telephone or excitedly call their friend over the telephone when something exciting happened. People make an effort to communicate since the communication tools before are limited. We make an effort to make letters and patiently wait for it to arrive. We took the extra effort knowing it is the only way that our feelings will reach another.

Now, with all the technology so we can easily reach out to another, we hesitate. We upload pictures & videos so we can better show them what we want to convey which is good but it’s become impersonal. We post waiting for someone to react. We scan through our feed and stalk or passively take note of the updates of our friends’ lives. With all the info we can access about other people, we take communicating with them directly for granted. We just browse through their updates instead of asking about them.

Another thing, people are lazy in replying or answering questions about how they’re doing nowadays because they already updated their profile or their timeline. They will put the person asking in the “seenzone” or tell them to refer to his/her timeline for updates. Sometimes they answer but they keep it short since they don’t want to repeat themselves about their updates.

We are so busy with different diversions; different things technology has to offer that we forget the reason why these are invented. Innovations are made so we can better communicate and reach out to others but for the most part, the effect is the opposite. We are so busy with them that we forget to have true communication with our friends.

Drip drop

The sound of rain

Drip drop it sang
Pattering against the roof
Burbling against the plants
Sloshing along the uneven stones

I roll over & cover myself in sheets
Keeping me warm
Embracing me, protecting me from the cold
But it felt impersonal, inhuman
Why am I harboring such silly thoughts?

I know that these sheets are all the comfort I can get
Why entertain thoughts of your embrace?
When I know that my voice cannot reach you
Why do I let loneliness squeeze my heart?
Drip drop answered the rain

You found me part 2

        The first time I properly laid eyes on you… I thought I found you. However, I later realized that I was wrong for you are hard to miss. Anybody can find you. You stand out without trying while I am just a wallflower. A lily at the sidelines, observing her surroundings. I thought it would be impossible for someone like you to notice me but you proved me wrong. How can someone at the center swim its way among people just to approach a lonely lily? I didn’t mind it back then because I’m not one who wants to grab the attention of other people but you persisted. Why? How? How did you find me? I was baffled beyond belief. Now that we are together, I would like to say that I found you but it was the other way around… You found me.